back at hill house, and it haunts me just the same
11.04.2025
This is not your usual TV show review; it's more like a 1AM rant (literally) — vulnerable, dramatic and unapologetically me. So bear with me.
Just like some places you revisit time and time again to re-catch their beauty (for me, it’s the Tip of Borneo), The Haunting of Hill House is one of those pieces you keep coming back to. Not simply to re-experience the beauty and horror it delivers, but to see it from a different angle, a different perspective. I’ve watched The Haunting of Hill House three times, and each experience was different.
The first time, I was surprised by how love could be expressed through ghost stories, making me see horror through a different lens. It shaped what I consider a good story, specifically in horror. Where I usually asked “What is the ghost? Why is this place haunted?” while watching horror, I now think that hauntings are more than just spirits—they are also memories, past joys and sorrows, and the grief we carry throughout our lives long after we thought we were healed. Haunting doesn’t always equal ghosts. This show taught me patience as a viewer, not just focusing on the plot but dissecting what lies within. I was nineteen; I was changed.
The next time I watched it was with my brother, with whom I share many of my quirks. I wanted to see if he would like it, if our flame still burned from the same wood—and he did. We talked about addiction, about the grey space between good and bad, about the impossibility of pure black and white. That conversation shaped how my mind works, how I see the world.
Recently, I watched it again, as someone freshly heartbroken, trying to love something from the past once more. And again, I was changed. So much has happened since I was twenty-one—so many wrongs done to me, so many I’ve done myself. This time, instead of hating the characters most despised, I tried to see them as if I were in their shoes, to understand them, and to learn how everyone processes grief differently—and how grief and ghosts consistently stay with us through life, even when we think we’re healed.
It wouldn't have changed anything, I need you to know that. Forgiveness is warm, like a tear on a cheek. Think of that and of me when you stand in the rain. I loved you completely, and you loved me the same. That's all. The rest is confetti.
I learned forgiveness—oh, did I learn about forgiveness on another level this time. I was in a place of resentment I thought would never fade, yet I discovered that forgiveness is warm, like a tear on a cheek. I realised that I did completely love the people who left, and they loved me the same. The rest is confetti. My heart expanded so much, and somehow God willed me to forgive—or at least to open my heart enough to begin. Maybe I glimpsed this in my first and second watch, but isn’t it beautiful how our favourite pieces remind us of so much, teach us so much, and make us feel so much? Isn’t it a miracle that God allows us to learn through art?
The show is nearly perfect, but never flawless. The characters are flawed and messy, just like humans—and somehow still lovable, also just like us. The words, the script—they linger. They remind me why art exists, why it is made beautifully, and why it touches us so deeply. If art doesn’t bring you closer to God, what a shame it is to miss that gift.
When we die, we turn into stories. And every time someone tells one of those stories, it’s like we’re still here for them. We’re all stories in the end.
page 57 of growing oddities | virgo
10.27.2025
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A dream I never dreamed,
A life I almost held.
I drove us into silence,
And only I remained.
My soul, hollowed,
My love, left unshed.
Fire, bloody fire everywhere.
The care I never learned to give,
The breath I could not keep.
I reached for you way too late,
I lost you in the dark.
Lavender blue, dilly dilly blue—
How I would have loved you.
250127 / bigger than the whole sky – taylor swift
Viklis Mexcilon, our child would've been here today.
soundtracks of 2025 #1: older (and wiser) album by lizzy mcalpine
10.21.2025
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I first discovered Lizzy McAlpine in 2020, at the height of COVID-19, through her song Pancakes for Dinner. Her songs were my retreats, her voice was my lullaby. Ever since then, her songs and I have been inseparable. I listened to her throughout my study years, my working era, my single phase, the one year I was in love and now, during my breakup phase. Her songs have been the soundtracks of my years. It's no surprise that despite her latest album being released last year, it remains significant to me this year. So here are my thoughts on the album and tons of oversharing (uncalled for), track-by-track.
track #1: The Elevator
Thoughts: The perfect introduction to the album. It starts with such good energy and momentum — the kind that lifts you up instantly. And somehow, this song lingers throughout the rest of the album; no matter which track you’re on, you keep circling back to this one. It’s the heartbeat that echoes through everything that follows.
Lines that hit too close: Can we stay like this forever? Can we be here in this room 'til we die? I think we can make it, I hope that I'm right.
Why they hit: This perfectly captures how I feel at the start of something new — a relationship, a connection, even just a possibility. (Confession: I associate this song with two different guys, LOL. Maybe that’s why it’ll always symbolize beginnings for me.) There are moments so good you don’t want them to end — when everything feels suspended in time, untouched by reality. These lines hold all that hope, that naïve belief that maybe this time, it’ll last.
track #2: Come Down Soon
Thoughts: THIS SONG. It feels like you’ve just reached the first floor of a building — not even your destination yet — and you already know something’s off. You can sense what’s coming: the excitement, the chaos, and that inevitable crash. There’s this eerie anticipation, like you’re bracing for the fall even before it begins.
Lines that hit too close: Nothing this good's ever really good for me. Oh, it'll come down soon, you'll see.
Why they hit: In The Elevator, you’re going up — hopeful, heart racing. But Come Down Soon is the voice in your head whispering, “it’s going downhill from here.” I can’t help but associate this one with my last relationship — the one I somehow knew was doomed from the start. It’s that bittersweet awareness that even in the best moments, you’re just waiting for gravity to do its thing.
track #3: Like It Tends To Do
Thoughts: I didn’t listen to this song much when it first dropped — it didn’t click then. But now, after going through a very real breakup, this song hits on an entirely different level. It makes me anxious and weirdly emotional about the idea of running into my ex again. Like, what would happen? Would we talk? Pretend we don’t see each other?
Lines that hit too close: If we were standing in the same room, would we be in separate corners? Would I actively avoid you?
Why they hit: The same question I've been wondering—the whole song is, to be honest. I probably won't avoid him. I told my ex I would avoid him, but knowing me, in a situation where we're in the same room, I know I would go to him with the same warmth I had when we were together.
track #4: Movie Star
Thoughts: Like many songs on this album, this one scared me, because I was terrified it might turn out to be premonitional of my own life. Listening to it at the start of a relationship felt… dangerous. Too close to home. So I avoided it, completely. It’s that eerie kind of song that feels like it’s looking you straight in the eye and saying, “this could be you.”
Lines that hit too close: I wanna change, I wanna grow, but it's physically impossiblе to stand here and not say that I love you even if I don't.
Why they hit: The contrast between this verse and the first one — from the thrill of new love to the exhaustion of forced affection — just hurts. It’s that chilling moment when passion turns into performance, when you realise the words you’re saying out loud no longer match the way you feel inside.
track #5: All Falls Down
Thoughts: The production on this one... paired with the lyrics... Lizzy McAlpine, once again, proves she’s a genius. If Come Down Soon was your mind whispering, “it’s all going downhill from here,” then All Falls Down is the moment you actually start falling — not just your relationship, but everything else too. The slow unravelling. The chaos that doesn’t wait for your permission. It’s the sound of everything collapsing in sync, just like every kind of fall tends to be.
Lines that hit too close: Doing fine, like I always am! Am I that good of a liar that I believe myself again?
Why they hit: That line is the entire energy of the song. The denial, the forced normalcy, the pretending you’re okay when everything’s quietly breaking apart. It’s painfully self-aware — and that’s what makes it hit so hard.
track #6: Staying
Thoughts: With Ceilings from her previous album, I totally expected it to go viral — it had that undeniable “it” factor. But this song? I honestly didn’t think people would get it the way her long-time listeners would. And yet, somehow, it blew up. Which makes me so happy, because this song deserves so much love. Loving Staying feels deeply personal to me; it’s the embodiment of my last relationship. I always knew it would end, that eventually one of us would have to walk away… but neither of us could. We just kept holding on, long after we should’ve let go.
Lines that hit too close: Maybe I would be okay if I let this go forever, send it into space and watch the planets turn. Maybe I will someday let this go forever, hold me until I find the nerve.
Why they hit: There’s a whole TikTok discussion about these lines — and rightfully so. The wordplay is genius. “Let this go” is used twice in the bridge, each time meaning something entirely different: the first as releasing it, the second as letting it go on forever. That duality of wanting to free yourself but also wanting to hold on scratches my brain the right way. And honestly? Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
track #7: I Guess
Thoughts: The second single from the album — and honestly, the perfect preview of what the whole project is about. It captures Lizzy’s growth so beautifully, not just musically, but emotionally. You can hear her maturity, her changed perspective on love, on what it means to care for someone and still lose them. It’s reflective, grounded, and quietly devastating.
Lines that hit too close: I guess it's all about timing, I guess it's all about the things you have but didn't want, I guess it's all about dying, to love someone.
Why they hit: Because we’re all, in some way, dying to love someone — and yet, to love someone is to die a little. Whether you love or you don’t, it hurts either way. That paradox sits right at the core of this song, and of love itself.
track #8: Drunk, Running
Thoughts: The song that sealed it for me. My first favourite from the album. The one that made me cry over and over — even when I couldn’t personally relate to it yet. There’s something haunting about the idea of staying with someone through their dark phase, convincing yourself it’s love, when really, you’re just enabling them. You know you shouldn’t stay. Everyone around you knows it, too. But just like they couldn’t let go of their demons, you couldn’t let go of them.
Lines that hit too close: Make a person out of memories, they won't live up to it, I'm so sorry I stayed when I shouldn't.
Why they hit: Because how long did you stay — not for who they are, but for who they used to be? For the version of them that made you believe staying was worth it?
track #9: Broken Glass
Thoughts: The transition from Drunk, Running to this song — and then into You Forced Me To — is absolutely perfect, both sonically and narratively. While Drunk, Running feels eerily nostalgic, Broken Glass crashes in like the brutal reality check: “we hurt each other and we shouldn’t be together.”
Lines that hit too close: I want you now and then I don't, and every word is a land mine. I hold the glass against your throat, but I can't do it this time. It might seem like I love you, but I just don't want to be alone.
Why they hit: It’s a volatile relationship — you hurt me first, so I hurt you back. My words are sharp; your actions are a freaking meteor.
track #10: You Forced Me To
Thoughts: When Lizzy first posted this song back in 2022, I couldn’t stop playing it. It was my morning alarm and my lullaby — I breathed this song for weeks. The piano, the composition, the atmosphere — it’s haunting in every sense. If Weird from her previous album already felt ghostly, You Forced Me To takes that to another level.
Lines that hit too close: I want you to hate me, I deserve it for my crimes. I know that I loved you but you loved me harder every time, I am not the same as when you met me, I have changed because you forced me to.
Why they hit: I can’t say I personally relate to this one (at least in Lizzy's point of view), but wow. It feels like reading a confession letter you weren’t meant to see. There’s no sugarcoating, no melodrama — just raw accountability. It’s not about blaming the other person entirely, but still acknowledging that yes, they did change you.
track #11: Older
Thoughts: The first single! If I Guess perfectly previews the emotional core of the album, Older perfectly sets the sound. Live instruments, minimal vocal mixing — just Lizzy, her words, and that raw, intimate energy that defines the whole project. Even though it’s probably my least favourite song on the album, I still love it with my whole heart. It feels like the blueprint for everything that follows.
Lines that hit too close: Wish I was stronger somehow, wish it was easy. Somewhere I lost all my senses, I wish I knew what the end is.
Why they hit: It’s that feeling of knowing what the right thing to do is; to walk away, to let go, but realising you just weren’t strong enough yet. You tell yourself maturity would’ve made it easier, but it never really is. Sometimes you just have to live through it to grow into the version of yourself who can do the hard thing.
track #12: Better Than This
Thoughts: This song captures that fragile, spiraling stage of getting to know someone — when you start letting them in but can’t shake the fear that you’re not good enough for them. It’s that gnawing insecurity that someone else might love them better than you do. And the quiet acceptance that, eventually, someone will. Just as someone, someday, will love you better too.
Lines that hit too close: What if I'm not a good person? You always say that I am. But you don't really know me at all now, I think that I'm not who you think I am.
Why they hit: There was this guy I used to like before my last ex, and I used to tell him how I didn’t feel like a good person, and he’d always reassure me that I was. (I didn’t believe him then, and I definitely don’t now.) When I first heard this line, I swear it felt like Lizzy had been sitting right there during that conversation. It’s eerie — and painfully validating.
track #13: March
Thoughts: Just like Headstones and Landmines and Chemtrails from her first two albums, March is one of Lizzy’s most personal songs, as they are all about her late father. It’s a raw exploration of grief: tender, honest, and devastating. Will it make you cry? Absolutely. Will it make you spiral into thoughts about life’s fragility, the inevitability of loss, and the fleetingness of everything you love? Without a doubt.
Lines that hit too close: And how could it take so long? Thought I had it handled but it slipped through. I didn't know it'd be this hard; so far away, and then it hits you.
Why they hit: If there’s one thing I’ve learned about grief — through death, fallouts, and heartbreak — it’s that it doesn’t move in a straight line. It comes in waves. Some days you think you’ve got it handled, and then out of nowhere, something small cracks you open again. This line captures that so perfectly — that quiet ambush of sadness that keeps reminding you healing isn’t linear.
track #14: Vortex
Thoughts: The final track on the standard edition — and honestly, the perfect sonic ending. If you play the album on loop, Vortex flows right back into The Elevator, creating this beautiful, haunting full circle. To me, that symbolises the cycle of relationships — how they can feel repetitive until you finally grow strong enough to break free. Lyrically, the song carries this sense of hope — that one day, she’ll escape the endless loop of falling in and out of the same kind of love. But sonically, when the album loops back to The Elevator, it contradicts that certainty. That contrast — between wanting to move on and still being caught in the spin — feels so intentional. And it’s genius.
Lines that hit too close: We're just awful together and awful apart
Why they hit: One thing I recently realised about my last relationship was that we were bad for each other, and somehow worse when we weren’t together. We both had our flaws, and even though I stayed and carried more than my share, deep down I knew we were never meant to last. That line — that brutal honesty — sums it all up perfectly.
track #15: Method Acting (Demo)
Thoughts: This song hits me hard, but not from Lizzy’s perspective. I relate more to the person she’s singing to. That blind commitment, that desperate kind of love that keeps you holding on even when you know it’s doomed... that screams me. I knew how it would end, but I stayed anyway. I chose the pain over losing him.
Lines that hit too close: Four years of bein' unfair, still, you don't seem to mind. You say you'd rather live unfairly if it keeps me in your life.
Why they hit: Because how many times did I almost leave, but stayed anyway? Stayed even when the mistreatment was too much, just to avoid being erased from his life. That line cuts right through me, because I know exactly what it’s like to love someone enough to accept being treated unfairly, just so you don’t lose them entirely.
track #16: Pushing It Down And Praying
Thoughts: The net said that if the guys have Glimpse of Us by Joji, we girls have Pushing It Down And Praying and I beg to disagree, because this song is much worse. This isn’t just heartbreak; it’s emotional treason disguised as tenderness. If my partner ever thought what Lizzy’s thinking here, I would crash out on the spot.
Lines that hit too close: Softer, harder, in-between, you know just how to get to me. He is stable, you are deep, I know just how to get what I need.
Why they hit: Peak Allie–Noah from The Notebook vibes — when your head knows one man is good for you, but your soul still aches for the one who ruined you in the most poetic way. It’s that kind of song that makes you realize being the “safe option” isn’t always a blessing — sometimes it’s just a slower heartbreak.
track #17: Soccer Practice
Thoughts: This is the song you play if you want to see me hysterically sob in public. Why? Play the song, I beg you please listen to this song. This is my ultimate favourite off the album, despite its simplicity. Lizzy somehow turned ordinary imagery into grief so palpable it hurts.
Lines that hit too close: You pick up the kids from soccer practice, I wait in line at the grocery store. You sing them to sleep, what else do we need? You're always sober, I'm always sure.
Why they hit: This song hurts from the very first verse because it mourns the future life you could've had with this person. The possibility of mundane day-to-day life with that person, having a future with them, now gone.
track #18: Force of Nature
Thoughts: This one centres around a breakup and losing yourself afterwards—like, who even am I without this person? Hello?? Relatable. Lizzy captures that hollow confusion so well, the kind that hits after the crying stops and the silence gets too loud.
Lines that hit too close: You are еxactly the past I don't want to drag up; all the things that we wеre, all the things that we never got a chance to be.
Why they hit: Coming right after Soccer Practice, this song feels like a slap—because first you’re mourning what could’ve been, and then you’re forced to face what will never be. It’s that brutal realisation that it’s over, for real this time. No more what-ifs, no more maybe-laters. Just the ending, and you—trying to find yourself again in the wreckage.
track #19: Spring Into Summer
Thoughts: This song feels like a breath of fresh air after the storm; that first sunny day after weeks of rain. If the acceptance phase had a Lizzy McAlpine soundtrack, this would be it. It’s about holding onto time even as it slips away, actually growing up emotionally, and learning to embrace change instead of fearing it. A perfect ending to the deluxe album. While Vortex throws you into a chaotic loop in the standard edition, Spring Into Summer finally lets you exhale — it ends the cycle, softly.
Lines that hit too close: You're always gonna be someone that I want, we have too many years between us. If I could jump into the past, I'd only change one thing; I'd never hurt you first, I'd never let you leave. And now I'm here forever, runnin' back to you.
Why they hit: These lines look back at the people who’ve left, or the ones you’ve had to leave. The kind of love that lingers, even when it’s over. You know you’ve accepted it, but if time ever gave you another chance, you’d still run back, just once more. Friends, lovers, family — all the ghosts that shaped who you are now.
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And that's my thoughts on Older (And Wiser) by Lizzy McAlpine. This is by no means a professional review of it, as I'm not musically inclined enough to do so, but my opinions stand. If Lizzy McAlpine has 10 fans, I would undoubtedly be one of them, and if she has none, it means I am no longer a part of this world.
2025 #log 3: moving back home for my new job, breakup, current obsessions
10.01.2025
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What word rhymes with yellow?
Hello!
If everything I planned worked out, this would be published exactly at the end of the third quarter of 2025. I've been on a roll in terms of writing; I think about so many things, and I'm willing to let them sit now, hence I have so many things to write too. They're all over the place; some of them I publish here, most of them are on my Notes app and my physical diary. As the title of this post suggests, a lot of things have happened since the previous quarter. Too many changes that I feel like a totally different person now.
moving back home for my new job
I got a new job! At my hometown! Better pay, hopefully better working environment, maybe great colleagues too and a project I've been aiming to work at for months on end. Moving back home comes with its own challenges, one of them being my complicated relationship with home and the things and people I left behind in my previous town and company. The last month I was in Kudat, I was a total wreck, and on the day I actually left, half of my soul was still there. It was weird to feel sad to move back home, but I was. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah for the new opportunity and experience.
had a breakup
Well, this one is a personal one. I was with my first official boyfriend (real first love), since July last year, and things were not the best with my ex, but I was in love, out of my mind in love, as Isabel Conklin said. I don't want to talk about the whys or the hows, but September had been rough on me. It has been exactly a month since the breakup, and though I'm much better than the person that I was a month ago, I'm still very much brokenhearted. But I know I will be okay. I just need the time to process everything, let things go, let him go, and just learn to be with myself again.
which leads to me ACTUALLY starting to live again...
The whole year I was with him, I made him the centre of everything. Which was why it hurt so bad when it ended; it's like I knew I was falling and the destination was concrete even before I jumped, and I didn't put anything on the ground to cushion the pain from the fall. When another person, or a relationship, is your centre of everything, your life tends to pause somehow. Or at least a huge part of your life, which was what happened to me. I stopped doing so many things I loved, simply because his presence alone already made me very content. And when he disappeared, I had nothing left to make me content, leaving me to crawl back to the things I had left so far behind. Which sucked, but also a huge blessing in disguise.
I started reading again!
This is the thing that I'm happiest about. I'm finally reading again. This September, I finally finished one book in one day, which has never happened since... forever. Due to my work, I can't always be reading, but I can say I'm religiously reading at least once a day. I'm actually excited to open my books again, get to know new worlds and characters, and I'm so happy about this because books used to be my whole world. I thought I had outgrown them! Turned out I only needed an empty space to place them in.
current obsessions
1. Once Upon A Broken Heart trilogy by Stephanie Garber (the books that got me out of my reading slump)
2. Sabrina Carpenter's new album, Man's Best Friend (I wrote a whole ranking for the album here)
3. The Summer I Turned Pretty TV Series (finally watching this one because of my FOMO, it's not the best, but at least it's enjoyable)
4. Hayley Williams's new single, Parachute (Tell me what was the moment, you decided to give up, you could've told me what you wanted, I would've done, I would've done anything, I would've done anything - YUP THIS LINE HITS WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME)
5. The film Sore: Istri Dari Masa Depan. Did I bawl throughout the whole movie? Yes. Did I also write my thoughts on the movie right after I went home? Yes, here.
6. Reading/ watching other people's breakup journeys online (because I need to know that I'm not alone)
I'm one of those people who hate to say, "Yes, the journey was hell, but it brought me heaven", because I hate how bad a crappy experience makes me feel. I have depressive and suicidal tendencies! So I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say this is my pot of gold at rainbow's end because I'm still feeling pretty crappy, and this pot of gold feels like a pot of shiwater for me. I know I will be a better person by the time this phase ends, but I wish I didn't have to feel this bad just to get there. But that's just... the sweet and sour of life.
Previous 2025 logs:
why Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan feels more like a reflection than a romance (in a good way)
9.29.2025
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I’d been waiting to watch this movie even before it hit theatres in Indonesia. Sheila Dara Aisha is starring (and yes, I could look at her face for hours), plus the premise sounded intriguing. When the film went viral in Indonesia—at least according to my TikTok For You Page—I had major FOMO. So when it finally came to Malaysia, of course, I rushed to catch it during its opening week.
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| Look at her face. So pretty, I want to be her when I grow up. |
And first things first: to everyone who shared Hall 6 at GSC 1Borneo with me on 28th September, 5:30 PM showtime—I owe you an apology. Yes, I was that girl in seat C11 who cried through the entire movie, even during scenes that weren’t supposed to be sad. My bad.
Premise
Imagine waking up one morning to find a stranger lying next to you—who then claims to be your future spouse. Naturally, you wouldn’t believe them. But what if they knew everything about you, even your most hidden quirks? That’s exactly what happens to Jonathan, the male lead. He wakes up to find Sore by his side, calmly insisting she’s his wife from the future. In exchange for making his life easier, she asks him to stop smoking, drinking, and start living healthily.
At first glance, the setup promises a sweet, quirky romance with a time-travel twist. But the film isn’t really about sci-fi mechanics—it’s about the emotional weight of love, choice, and change.
Themes
On the surface, it’s fate + romance with a sprinkle of time travel. But beneath that? Pure emotional torture (in the best way).
The movie keeps circling two painful questions:
1. If you love someone enough, can you change them?
2. If they refuse to change, do you have the strength to keep choosing them anyway?
Watching it felt exhausting in a strangely beautiful way. Hopeful, but tiring. Because, like in real life relationships, Sore keeps going back, trying again and again to help Jonathan become better—and failing. You find yourself asking, how long can this go on? If I, as an audience member, feel drained, how much heavier must it be for Sore? I could hear the audience sigh every time Sore resets everything from the beginning. Exhausting as it was, that was the point of the film.
And that’s the film’s rawest truth: love is choosing someone over and over again, even when it hurts. Ten times. A hundred times. A thousand times. Until you’re not sure if you’re saving them or losing yourself.
Characters & Chemistry
Sore is certain, grounded, and strong-willed. Jonathan is confused, hesitant, and overwhelmed. Their relationship isn’t about dazzling chemistry—it’s about the grinding reality of love’s work. Many viewers complained their spark felt muted, but that makes sense: this Sore belongs to Jonathan’s future self, the man he hasn’t become yet. The disconnect isn’t a flaw; it’s the point.
Sure, audiences crave the rush of a traditional romance. But for me, Sore’s unwavering determination—and the deep love fueling it—was far more compelling than any swoon-worthy moment.
Personal Reflections
By the time the credits rolled, I wasn’t just thinking about Jonathan and Sore—I was thinking about myself. About how love means choosing someone again and again… but also hoping they choose you with the same strength. About how love alone can’t transform someone who doesn’t want to change. And maybe, choosing someone doesn't always mean saving them. Choosing someone means that you'll stay, through the highs and the lows, especially the lows.
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| Picture by Farhangga |
Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan isn’t perfect, but it lingers. It’s the kind of film you’ll keep revisiting in your head, long after you’ve left the theatre, and for me, was added to my favourites list.
Recommended for the hopeless romantics, the sentimental souls, and anyone who listens to Sheila On 7’s Hingga Hujung Waktu on loop (because yes, I’m convinced the song inspired this story).
Links:
page 24 of growing oddities | rosaline
9.22.2025
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Hyperfixate on me until you tire,
Until another girl takes your love.
It's nice to feel your gaze for once;
It's good to feel your presence.
Look at me until your eyes wander,
Until you decide it was never more than passing.
It's something to be cared for,
Even when I know it isn't forever.
Maybe love me until you don't,
Maybe hold my heart until it cracks.
Maybe notice everything I do
Until it dissolves into nothing.
Maybe stay—long enough
For me to forget the silence.
I'm an unwelcome branch against your dry wall,
An odd accessory to your plain coat—
That's all I am.
So I tell myself not to believe,
Not to mistake shadow for permanence,
Not to hope too much.
Yet I know you'll go,
And I will be left,
A name you once spoke,
A heart you almost held.
220410 / to me - leith ross
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This was an old one, written when I was 21, and recently polished. One of my favourite pieces I've ever written. This was very much inspired by the character Rosaline from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and my previous experiences being the girl guys looked at until they found someone they wanted. I think I had just finished rereading Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower back when I wrote this, so that might be the catalyst to this sad piece LOL.
ranking of sabrina's songs from "man's best friend" (uncalled for)
9.16.2025
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Sabrina Carpenter has been one of my favourite singers since her emails i can't send (eics) era. Personally, eics meant a lot to me when it first went out; my life was changed, the album inspired many of my poems, and many of her songs shaped my mind a lot. But we're not talking about eics today. I will not be able to talk about that album in a short post. I'm just going to write what I thought about her new album, Man's Best Friend, which coincidentally was released after my (messy) break-up. A short ranking post, like one of those TikTok videos, which I thought of making, but I just articulate my thoughts better through writing. This is not at all a review post, as I am not a musically inclined person. If you're interested in listening to this album whilst reading this post, here's the Spotify link.
Ranking at number 12 is Tears, simply because it's one of those songs that you dance to without needing to think. I'm more of a dance-cry person, and this song was not that kind of song, writing-wise.
Favourite line: A little communication, yes, that's my ideal f**eplay
Thoughts on the line: Be communicative. Duh.
Can't relate, Sabrina, I ALWAYS see the vision. All the guys I thought would grow up hot DID grow up hot. Even when the others didn't see it. The song is a total bop, though.
Favourite line: Sorry, I did not see the vision (Did not see the vision), Thank the Lord, the fine you has risen (The fine you has risen)
Thoughts on the line: Love it when people just glow up.
Imagine being so heartbroken that you have to resort to day drinking just to forget that you have been dumped.
Favourite line: Guess a broken heart doesn't care that I just woke up
Thoughts on the line: The mornings are the hardest part, even to this day. I sometimes wake up thinking "ugh I miss him" but then in the afternoon I just... don't care.
Oh I LOVE this song. Sabrina is such an unserious and fun songwriter-I love the usage of metaphors in her songs. But this song has no metaphor, guys, she promised! And I have been loving the TikTok edits of this song using clips of Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. Phil would have loved this song, and would definitely keep playing this song to no end, saying that she's singing about real estate, and that Sabrina is a carpenter, so she definitely knows what she's talking about.
Favourite line: Yeah, I spent a little fortune on the waxed floors, we can be a little reckless ’cause it's insured
Thoughts on the line: Glad to know that your floor is insured, Sabrina. Insurance is really important.
The first single! Among all of the songs in this album, this sounds closest to her previous album, Short 'N Sweet. Loved that album too, but when this came out, I thought I missed a song from the deluxe. I tried so hard not to like this song because it was so mainstream, but I miserably failed because, although I didn't really play this song a lot, I absolutely still really loved it. With the third season of The Summer I Turned Pretty released and everyone editing Jeremiah to this song, I just couldn't help but love this song as well. #Terjebak.
Favourite line: Why so sexy if so dumb? And how survive the Earth so long? If I'm not there, it won't get done, I choose to blame your mom.
Thoughts on the line: Exactly! How can a person be so hot but so dumb? All the hot girls that I know are insanely smart, though.
The Jack Antonoff influence was so obvious in this one (in a good way). I love the way she sang "don't worry, I'll make you worry" in the chorus, the way it was so soft, but what she communicated in this song wasn't exactly... soft.
Favourite line: Silent treatment and humblin' your a**, Well, that's some of my best work
Thoughts on the line: Manifesting on being able to give people silent treatment and humbling men's a**es!
Ah, the one song that I really want to finally relate to. And this song sounds so much like ABBA, which I really love (a Mamma Mia fan here). This one actually made me dance-cry.
Favourite line: Broke my heart on Saturday, Guess overnight, your feelings changed, And I have cried so much, I almost fainted
Thoughts on the line: I cried so much, I did faint.
Another song that's currently viral on TikTok, and deserves it. Definitely would have sent this to my ex's Mommy, but she doesn't need to know that her beloved eldest son is the person that he is.
Favourite line: Me? No, yeah, I'm good, just thought that he eventually would cave in, rеach out. But no siree, he discovered sеlf-control (He discovered it this week).
Thoughts on the line: "He discovered it this week" really sent me.
An elaboration to the "He discovered self-control (He discovered it this week)" line from Nobody's Son. Don't you just love it when yesterday he was obsessed with where you were, what you were doing, and the next day he could just delete your number and pretend you dropped dead?
Favourite line: He used to be literally obsessed with me, I'm suddenly the least sought-after girl in the land
Thoughts on the line: Relatable.
I first listened to the album according to the tracklist, so among the Top 3, this was the first one that played. I really thought this would be my favourite because the way the song started was really up my alley, but compared to #1 and #2, this was less relatable. Still relatable, but it wasn't something I dwelled on (avoided dwelling on).
Favourite line: You filled my whole apartment with flowers that die, the first to open up your wallet, but the last one to flag. A heart only breaks so many times. Save your money and stop makin' me cry.
Thoughts on the line: I don't need you to spend much money on me; I just want you to stop making me cry.
This actually makes me cry, and as much as I love this song, I cannot listen to it as much as I want to. We went through this "we almost broke up again last night" phase for so long that I couldn't remember when it started. Which was weird, because I remember thinking we were happy for the past few months.
Favourite line: You say we're driftin' apart, I said, "Yeah, I f***ing know", big deal, we've been here before, and we'll be here tomorrow
Thoughts on the line: When you almost break up with someone again and again, you would think that the cycle would always repeat, especially when you're the one who's doing the hard work in the relationship. Like, why would they give up on you if they just have to sit still and look pretty, right? WRONG.
I knew this was going to be my favourite from the first 3 seconds I listened to it. In fact, I repeated that intro for like 5 times before I actually started to listen to Sabrina singing. I. Love. This. Song. It's full of dichotomies, lines contradicting lines, wishing your ex happiness but not really... I have no single favourite line from this song because I love every part of it. I laughed so hard listening to this song. I can easily spend hours just talking about this song, but I'm going to spare you from that torture.
Favourite line: I just wish you didn't have a mind that could flip like a switch, that could wander and drift to a neighbouring b**ch when just the other night you said you need me, what gives?
Thoughts on the line: My favourite line changes every second, but this one's the safest one, I think.
And that's my uncalled-for ranking of songs from Man's Best Friend. Would love to know which one is your favourite from the album too.
page 60 of growing oddities | stork boy, king's man
9.08.2025
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Oh Boy with the King’s name,
The owner of my soul,
The North to my compass,
The shackles to my heart.
You made sure I was tamed,
By the sweet tones of your words,
By the sweet notes of your lingering perfume,
By the sweet touch of your overnight coffee.
Oh Boy with the wandering eyes,
Hardworking as ever,
Making your name in your small town.
Hard-hearted as ever,
You made your heart my home and locked me out,
My roots tangled to your doorstep,
And through your window I saw your back,
Not caring, not looking.
My Boy with the rarest name,
My Boy with the careless eyes,
When you planted your seed in my home,
Did you know the monstrosity that would grow out of it—
The ruin, the wreckage, the garden gone to ash?
When the edge of you found its way to mine,
Did you know the absence of your warmth afterwards,
Would end up leaving me dying from the cold?
My Love,
Tell me,
Was our tragedy an accident,
Or was it always meant to be like this?
250908 / i love you, i'm sorry – gracie abrams
---
He resided in the stork’s village, carried a name like a king, and walked in the shadow of another man’s throne. That’s the boy I wrote about. Funnily, he was the only guy I've ever been in love with, and I only wrote a few poems (<10) for him (I wrote hundreds for a guy I had a crush on for 8 years). And this is the last one for him. Maybe.
You were a dick but I was too. Less of a dick than you, though.
chaos diary: molten chocolate lava cake situation
8.12.2025
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| Featuring Bernadya's Kini Mereka Tahu because I'm listening to this song as I write this post. |
I have a sweet tooth. I love cakes and pastries and almost anything sweet, except for sweets themselves (ironically). So back when I went out with my friends for lunch at Pizza Hut in 2018, after stuffing ourselves with so much food, because I loved cakes so much, I still ordered this Molten Chocolate Lava Cake (I think it was just out back then?) even when I was already so full. But I wanted that cake! I stressed it out so much to my friends when they said, "You're so full already, ice cream is coming, maybe it's a bad idea". I did not listen, because I wanted it so much. And yes, they ended up being right, and although I did finish the cake, I didn't get to enjoy it as I would usually do. And my friends have been referring to this event as the "SAYA MAU JUGA" event until this very day because I was that comically annoying when I want something I shouldn't have.
The point here is, I'm the type of person who won't listen to anyone once I want something. Even if I know other people are right, even if I know the thing that I want will be bad for me.
And I've been having another kind of Molten Chocolate Lava Cake situation for a while now... That I don't know how want to let go. I'm not the type of person to leave cakes unfinished just because they're bad, because I value the ingredients and work that went into making the cake. But this cake, unlike other cakes I've had before, triggered a lot of allergy reactions, weirdly, because I do not have any allergies. But you see... this lava cake is my first real out-of-actual-bakery cake, and I spent almost all of my savings on it, so it would be a shame to throw it away. And because I have been eating it for a while, it feels so natural in my mouth, and the allergy reactions, despite getting worse and worse every day because they go untreated, now only feel like that itch on your foot you can't scratch.
Now here comes the part where I conclude this post and share how I overcome this... but I can't because it's an ongoing situation. Advice is welcome, and please send prayers because I feel like my allergic reactions are killing me slowly.
page 50 of growing oddities | tldr: i want to grow old with you
7.27.2025
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I want to play with your hair,
And hold your head close to my chest,And bear the weight of the world for you.
I want to learn your favourite movie,
And watch you cry while watching it,
And bear a child that looks just like you.
I want to eat the food that you cook,
And learn the recipe for your favourite foods,
And bear the scars that the wound the universe left on you.
I want to see you breathe as you sleep at night,
And ask about your dreams when you wake up,
And bear the pain of loving you way too much.
I want to see you under the morning light,
And be the one sitting next to you under the afternoon glow,
And bear whatever it is that you would spill and overspill to me.
I want to write you poems,
And watch as you laugh and ask what you think of them,
Do you want to build a home with me?
And ask about your dreams when you wake up,
And bear the pain of loving you way too much.
I want to see you under the morning light,
And be the one sitting next to you under the afternoon glow,
And bear whatever it is that you would spill and overspill to me.
I want to write you poems,
And watch as you laugh and ask what you think of them,
Do you want to build a home with me?
230310 / kita usahakan rumah itu – sal priadi
---
Needless to say, I'm a hopeless romantic. This poem was not inspired by the song mentioned, but the last verse was; the conclusion to what I wanted to say to the guy behind this poem. I was in love out of my mind with this one guy a bajillion days ago and thought "Oh, he has shiny eyes, he would have really cute children", but then also thought "Yeah, and he would most likely not have any with you". The second verse was, in fact, the first one written. This poem is sweet. The reason it was written was bitter, just like most of what I've written. I have another poem titled her and her and her that's like a brutal version of this poem (similar message, harshly worded), I don't think that piece will see the light of day LOL.
2025 log #2: mid-year freakout, rewatching my favourites and relearning self-love
7.25.2025
I guess we've established that I'll be doing a quarterly life update instead of monthly. Your girl has the attention span of a 5-year-old, emotional burst-outs like a 16-year-old and spends her time like she's a massive workaholic (wake up, work work work, go home, sleep)—she's not a workaholic. I love writing here because it summarises everything that has been happening to me, and is also at my fingertips. Journaling is one thing, I do that too, but sometimes it's too much, and I usually just do a brain (emotional—more like a trauma) dump instead of summarising my life. It's important TO ME that I document my life because of my Dory brain and my need of nostalgizing life every now and then. So here's what you missed on gLeE mE...
Mid-year freakout
Surprisingly, I still work at my first job, whereas ALL of my friends have left one by one. I freak out over this at least once a week, and it has been taking a toll on me for a while. I've cry-called my mother more times than I want to admit, embarrassingly. I watch my friends moving on with their lives and growing, and I don't feel like I'm growing in the same trajectory as them. My growth feels... rather... slow. And my life also feels slow. So I am having a mid-year crisis, let's see if I'll get over it by the next quarter.
Rewatching my favourite movies/TV series
I don't remember if I've ever written about this, but I love rewatching stuff (which is why I'm on an eternal Friends rewatch—sucks that it's not on Netflix or Disney anymore). It's easy to digest the things you've seen, you get to relive your favourite scenes again and again, and sometimes you get to have a perspective you didn't have the first time around. It's comforting, you don't tend to do a watch marathon (which is great but takes a toll on your sleep and eyes). These days, I'm rewatching Modern Family, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and sometimes, How I Met Your Mother. And during my long holiday in June, I was on a full-on Marvel marathon, which re-established my love for Guardians of the Galaxy, Loki (the character) and Tony Stark.
Relearning to love myself
Sometimes when a big change happens in your life, this whole version of you shatters into small pieces, beyond repair. The harsh truth is that you will never get this version back. You will need to rebuild everything that was shattered from scratch, and it will not look quite the same as the one before. This new version of you might be hard to love when you spent years and years to like even that good-enough past self, but with time, you'll see what to love in this new version and accept it somehow. And that's kinda the process I'm currently in, and it's super hard.
Pieces I've been loving lately...
2. are you emotionally detached or are you just protecting yourself? - good damage
3. Untuk Dunia, Cinta Dan Kotornya by Nadin Amizah
I need to read and consume quality content more, but these days I just can't. Not even my favourite books. Not even my favourite content creators, not even my favourite musicians and writers. My days have turned into this blurry, grey ball of nothings; my tomorrows just echo from my yesterdays. Everything feels stagnant, to be honest; my feet deep in dirt, heart too scared to jump out, not knowing where I might end up... This post is kind of my "TAKE A BREATH" moment.
page 59 of growing oddities | with love, yours
7.07.2025
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| Chased sunset for iftar. |
I long to see you at the end of every day.
Life’s tough and people are rough,
Yesterday draining, tomorrow reckoning,
Today, still spinning,
But you sit at the end of my day,
Gentle and sweet,
The catalyst of my healing,
A soft place to land when I free fall.
I long to see you at the end of every day.
Home, just not quite yet,
But warm, just the same.
My buzzing mind, ever trembling, never quiet,
Your quiet noise, ever lingering, never fading.
Intentional silence and comfortable chatter,
Over coffee or cakes or ice cream.
I long to see you at the end of every day,
And I wish I always will,
I wish that what you are to me is what I am to you,
And if we’re damned to wither,
I wish that this is how you’ll remember me;
A person you look forward to seeing every day,
To be missed and reminisced.
250625 / don’t forget you love me – calum hood
---
Saw this Calum Hood's interview on TikTok, and there was this one comment that interprets "don't forget you love me" that Calum's ex said to him as a reminder to never demonise their relationship and antagonise the ex-lover by remembering that he love/loved them. And so that gave a kind of clarity to me... which inspired this poem.
Not Here to Stay by N.F. Afrina | Book Review
5.02.2025
BLURB: Sarah Amani is a Worldsmith. At eighteen, she accidentally conjured a mythical world she called Lagenda from her mind with the help of a past lover, Malik.
Five years had passed and she was on a straight path to healing and moving on. She made sure nobody could enter Lagenda again and only allowed people to come in as wanderers by giving them petals as tickets. It was her way of ensuring that Lagenda remained hers without destroying it. Just when she thought she could leave her past, she was invited back into the world with a note saying "You know what to do. -M".
She had to go back to Lagenda to make sure the person who sent her the note could not take the world from her. What Amani found is that Lagenda was not as abandoned as she thought it was. Determined to save her world from being exploited and smeared more than how it already is, she sets to burn every door and relic holding the world together. If she cannot keep Lagenda, nobody should. But it seemed that the person who sent her the note had other plans.
Together with her trusty dagger, Misya, her sister, a stubborn historian called Najmi and all the misfits she never dreamed of collaborating with, she would find herself propelling straight to her dark past and beloved world.
Erasers are nice and pretty. But in life, sometimes you have to take a pen and write over the things you want to fix. Just cross out the things you don't like and write a new string of words. There is no time to erase, not enough erasers in the world. No time for perfection in moving on, just action.
Author: N.F. Afrina
Genre: Young Adult, Magical Realism, Fiction
Goodreads rating: 3.87
Pages: 585
Publication: February 22nd 2022 by Whitecoat Group Sdn. Bhd
Goodreads rating: 3.87
Pages: 585
Publication: February 22nd 2022 by Whitecoat Group Sdn. Bhd
Review type: Non-spoilery
review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I wrote a review right after I finished reading this book on Goodreads at 12.00AM, but it was not well thought out, so here I am rewriting a review for this book because this book was very meaningful for me to not be mentioned in my blog.
This book was a deeply emotional book that centres around the topics of healing, finding your way back to yourself and God, what closure really looks like, forgiveness and letting go. Interestingly, this book is also a magical realism, set in a world with people with knacks, and some even have the ability to create a whole other magical world. And for this book specifically, we have the main character, Amani, who created a world called Lagenda.
First and foremost, despite being a magical realism, this book is a fictional self-help book at its core. With so many touching lines about healing and the way some important topics, such as abuse, relationships and forgiveness with one's self were beautifully written, it was proven that N.F. Afrina has a way with words. There was so much power imbued in the way those important topics were written, but they are also written in metaphors and pretty lines, which enables the book to touch the souls of us readers, but also delicate enough to not break those who can relate to the main character's experiences. For me personally, these topics were well done and are the highlights of this book.
The beauty of this book was also its curse; it was not the plethora of metaphors that became a problem, but the disorganised way they were laid out. It's one thing to have niche writing, and it's one thing to have a disorganised one, to the point that the readers have problems in recognising where we were in the story, and understanding the world and its magic system. Personally, I think it's fine that the author spent so much time inserting metaphors here and there. I agree that those will beautify the book, but at the same time, the world-building felt a little bit abandoned. Whilst the magical part of this book blended so well with the real world, which is applaudable, the details on that magical part was not exactly well-written, which sucks for us fantasy lovers.
Other than that... despite this story being character-driven, the main character herself was not so lovable, not in the I-hate-her-so-much way but I-don't-know-her-well-to-love-her way, as everything was written more in 'told' way than 'shown'. Like, I loved Amani's journey towards healing, but not Amani herself, and it was a bit disappointing that we didn't get to learn more about side characters such as Misya, Najmi and the others. This book was written in Amani's POV with other characters' POVs here and there, but those other characters' POV were written in a very rushed way that made them feel very two-dimensional with no lovable or interesting qualities.
With that being said, if this is the first book out of a series, it is a promising one. Especially after reading the short story at the end, I definitely would buy the sequel. Additionally, having read the A/N saying this book was written when she was 18 explains the way this book was written. I am never going to say poorly written because I could never write a book with emotional depth like this book when I was 18. And this book was already this good without proofreading, are you kidding me? You can definitely see the author's growth in the short story, which is why I am so rooting for her and this world.
Recommended for people who love: magical realism, self-love, empowered women, religious stories
page 49 of growing oddities
4.28.2025
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| Generated by ChatGPT. |
A blue-coloured chocolate cheesecake
I would still give it to you.
I guess that’s the effect
Of my lingering affection for you.
Yesterday’s afternoon
I felt my feelings
Being ripped apart from me
After a few months
Of slow de-plastering,
And although I’m more myself now
Compared to 122 days ago,
I’m somehow still in a shade of blue,
In the hue of you.
I wouldn’t know what to do with myself
97 days from now.
I guess I should send you
A blue-coloured chocolate cheesecake
And hope that you would like it.
230321/ if this was a movie - taylor swift
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Though I don't relate to this anymore, I personally think that this is one of the sweetest pieces I've ever written to a person. I haven't feel what I felt when I was writing this piece in a while, and though I don't miss the agony, I sure miss how pure and genuine my feelings were. It's someone else's birthday now and he likes blue too and I was reminded of this piece.
2025 log #1: birthmonth, i think i might love jang ki-yong
4.19.2025
I am shamelessly writing my January update post in April, and I have no single care about how late it has been (78 days since 31st January, I googled). I even thought of just making a Quarter 1 of 2025 update, but that would be a long post despite my disappointingly uneventful life.
Hi, welcome back. I don't know if this will end up being posted; you have no idea how many posts I've been continuously drafting for the past few months. I have been eager to write; writing is in my blood, and it's the only tool that lets me get as much junk out of my mind, but most of the time, I'm busy (surprise) or just not in the mood (shocking). Without further ado, let me get started with my update... before I lose my writing mind zone.
I turned 24!
.JPG) |
| I haven't cried on my birthdays since 2022 but I broke my streak this year and cried a whole week. This picture was taken on my birthday dinner when I was trying not to cry. |
To all of you who have been here since 2014 (though it's very unlikely that anyone from that time is still here), that 13-year-old girl is no longer. She's now 24, living in a whole other city, has a job and is living, albeit unthrivingly. The celebration was... disappointing when you compare it to the previous years, but hey, I'm an adult now, and you can't always have what you want, right? Anywho, grateful! For another year, for my healthy parents and siblings, for my never-ending rizq, Alhamdulillaah. I try to find my tiny bit of happiness these days to survive, and so far, I'm surviving.
I fell in love... with Jang Ki-Yong
It has been a while since I've watched The Atypical Family, but I still clearly remember how much I loved it. I loved the storyline, the growth of each character, how the main character slowly found her way to the family's heart, and how both families in the story slowly grew on each other. Stories about family have always been my cup of tea. However, my favourite thing about this show was Bok Gwi-Ju's (Jang Ki-Yong's character) growth and healing progress, and how that affected his relationship with his daughter. I have always loved characters who are fathers who grow better for their children. In addition to that, Jang Ki-Yong was oozing with handsomeness. What a win it was to watch this show.
I finished a book, and it made me cry and have an existential crisis
Shockingly, I only read three books last year. I, someone who has the ability to read up to 20 books per month. So in January, I vowed to finish reading at least one book, and I did! The said book was The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. The book tells a story about a woman who committed suicide, and before she dies for good, her soul goes to a library that lets her live all the lives that could've been, if only she had made different choices in her life. It was very eye-opening, soul-touching, the kind of story that makes you think and paired with Haig's simple yet profound writing, the book left a lasting emotional impact even until this day.A teeny-tiny-bit-personal update
I had a friendship breakup in January. And if you ever had a breakup, you know it doesn't happen all at once, all of a sudden. The process is gradual, and you sense the changes over time, and in my case, I kind of ignored it when they first happened because I didn't see any reason for the friendship to crack to the point that it got. The massive heartbreak didn't happen until February, but the resentment had been building up for months. Most parts of it were my fault, but I could also feel that our friendship had run its course. I still miss them every single day, but I don't even feel like starting over again for some reason... It's a "I screwed up but what if I screw up again?" thing.And with that, I end my writing here for now. Let's hope I find the energy and mindspace to write log #2 and log #3. My actual theme for January was hopelessness, as I was in such a deep despair over some stupid shit but we are all about staying hopeful so to end this post, here's a quote from The Midnight Library that I loved:
We only need to be one person.We only need to feel one existence.We don't have to do everything in order to be everything, because we are already infinite. While we are alive we always contain a future of multifarious possibility.
P.S. If you have been my reader for some time, I know you can sense the hopelessness of this post, and I'm sorry for that. It's April and I am still a bit in despair. I wanted to write, even if it's only about on-the-surface things. I just... need to find my way to the things I love because I haven't been feeling like myself lately.
new year, more or less the same me
2.01.2025
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| Peak of Borneo, August 2024. |
Obviously, a LOT has changed over a year. Made new friends, lost some friends, felt feelings I've never felt before, got to know sides of me I didn't really realize were there before, got fooled and know better, and made tons of mistakes. At some point this year, I felt like I grew backwards instead of forward, and I don't think that's good. Some mistakes are necessary to make in your life, to mould you into the person that you are meant to be... but I just think some mistakes are way too big. With that being said, life has been great, God has been treating me so well for the past year but I kind of feel... stuck, hence the title of this post.
Happy New Year everyone, and with the Chinese New Year vibe still around us, Happy Chinese New Year to everyone who is celebrating. Wishing us all health, wealth and all kinds of wellness for this year. To everyone who is beginning a new journey, whether it's health-related (yes let's lose all that weight!), spiritual-related (especially to my Muslim brothers and sisters), or just totally random things, I wish us all the best. May we achieve everything that we want this year.
When you feel stuck, it's easy to feel like your growth is hindered, every day feels the same, and all the same faces you meet every day start to feel... boring. Or maybe it's just me. Especially when you're living in the middle of nowhere, it's easy to feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I love my small-town life. I love that no matter which junction you turn into this town, you'll never get lost. I love that the 99 Speedmart cashiers in my housing area know and recognize me. And dang it, even the district hospital nurses are starting to recognize me. But if I learned one thing from living in my hometown (which was also a small town) throughout my childhood, it's that when everyone in the town knows you or at least anyone who knows you, it tends to suffocate you.
I wish to feel excited again this year. Instead of anxiety over what is coming, I wish to feel excited instead. I wish to feel like I'm growing forward instead of backwards. I pray that God etches the courage I need onto my soul to end things that I should and begin a new journey.
Happy New Year again, everyone. Cheers!
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