Nabila

There's something sad about this
that I can't quite put into words.

Like I'm de-attaching something

after being attached to it,

Like leaving

after deciding that I want to stay,

But I also don't want to be stuck 

to the same old place.

Every action of mine

contradicts my decisions,

And these days,

I'm starting to be repulsed by my own reflection.

Time is doing its job,

And I don't think I like it this time.

There's something maddening about this

that I can't quite put into words.

230621/mungkin takut perubahan - lomba sihir

---

I wrote it about a month before the end of my internship. I panicked and got emotional because something so good was ending. This one is slightly unfinished, and a bit of a mess. I don't know how to finish and edit it, and that's okay.

I know I said I wanted to be consistently updating this blog since last year, but life had just been hectic (when is it not?). A lot has happened since my last life update. My last post was a poem and I can't even relate to it anymore LOL. The person that is writing this post is a totally different person than the person who wrote that poem.

It feels a bit surreal writing this. I can't believe I went from writing about my day-to-day life as an 11-year-old to writing about me finishing my degree. What would that little girl think about me? I'm gonna be honest here, I am lost, confused, terrified and excited at the same time. Mostly terrified. Now that I'm out of the education cocoon, I should be free to fly anywhere I want but what if I don't know where that is? What if once I figure out where I want to be, I can't get there? (Obviously talking about the misery of job search guys).

Adulting feels weird. Part of me still feels like I'm a child; like I should always be supervised so that I won't do something that'll hurt me. But at the same time, I have these things I need to carry and do on my own, and figure out how to do them. It's like I'm being pushed into a room when I still have things in the other one, and now I can't get them anymore. It's scary to be here. Will I ever get used to it? Will I figure this out? And the one question that haunts me even in my sleep is, will I ever get a job? (the struggle is real guys, the competition is really something else).

So that's where I am, currently. TLDR; since the last life update (which was April last year holy cow), I started my final year project, finished it, finished semester 6 & 7 with flying colours, started my internship at the Department of Environment (which was super fun and precious to me), finished my internship and my final semester and I'm currently hunting for a job AND waiting for my graduation (which will be on November or December).