Nabila

Lately, I don't feel like this blog is really me, or something that I still want to do anymore. I had been blogging since I was 10 or something (I don't think I should even be on the internet that time lol) and the excitement lasted until 2016 I think, when I still wrote a lot of personal posts on my blog. You see, my blog used to be my safe space, which is a weird thing because no one is truly safe on the internet. I have my diaries where I write all the details and names. I could've just written everything there but somehow I still found things to talk about in here. 

I stopped writing too many personal posts (and deleting old posts) in 2017, mainly because that was my SPM year and I wanted to focus on my study but the other reason was that I thought I was being whiny and immature about a lot of things. Which I was, but that's one of the phases of being a teenage girl. I also wanted to put on this cool, mature image but the truth is, I'm just a very insecure teenage girl with a lot of issues and just need an outlet to vent. My blog was my safe space because I know that maybe a person or two might stumble upon my blog and read my thoughts, and as a person who feels like she's burdening someone else when she vents, this blog is the perfect place because I don't force anyone to come and read my thoughts, they just come here.

And when I stopped writing about my feelings here, I stopped having an outlet. It was so miserable for me to not have a place to vent my feelings. It's not that I don't have a single person in my whole life that I trust, it's just that I'm just not into talking. Believe me, I met a few counsellors and each time I had a session, I would have trouble talking because I would just end up sobbing for no apparent reason. Writing is the best outlet for me.

Years passed and my bottling up has been getting worse. I'm all for my friends venting and opening up, I'm very supportive of that but I keep invalidating my feelings when I want to do the same. I need to stop doing that. I need to start writing and open up again for my own sake. I might seem whiny and attention-seeking but I'm doing this for myself. At least until I decide if I ever want to see a therapist (but that's a discussion for another day).

You know how I'm a self-proclaimed book-obsessed nerd? Well, it's not going so well for me in that area. My bookstagram friends are all spending their time breaking their reading challenge records in the middle of this pandemic and I'm so jealous because I just can't seem to finish a book. I HAVE MORE FREE TIME THAN USUAL AND I SHOULD BE READING MORE THAN THIS BUT I JUST CAN'T. I managed to finish my Goodreads 2020 reading challenge and although for some people that's great, my very critical self won't let myself be satisfied with this. I see all these very interesting new books coming, backlisted books that are people are hyping up again and so I add all these new books to my TBR list but none of the books is going to be read soon. TBR SHOULD BE DECREASING OR AT LEAST, THE NUMBER OF BOOKS THAT ARE GETTING IN AND OUT OF THE BOOKS SHOULD BE BALANCED, NOT INCREASING! I'm just very mad at myself.

Listen. I read 60+ books during my SPM year and mind you, my workload back then was very huge, my schedule very packed. I used to read up to 3 books per day and I could finish a whole trilogy in a day. So when I can't seem to finish a book in a day where I have absolutely nothing to do, I get so frustrated. I usually finish a Malay book in less than 5 hours and NOW I CAN'T EVEN FINISH THE MALAY BOOK I STARTED LIKE 2 WEEKS AGO. And I absolutely like this book. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

I don't think it's a reading slump because my usual reading slump consists of me not being able to understand one word in a book and leading me to not reading at all. But in this current situation of mine, I can read and understand what I read but I get so distracted and I HATE IT. I want to just escape into the other world in the book that I read but I CAN'T SEEM TO ESCAPE REALITY. It's so frustrating. What do you even call this situation? A semi reading slump?