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What word rhymes with yellow?
Hello!
If everything I planned worked out, this would be published exactly at the end of the third quarter of 2025. I've been on a roll in terms of writing; I think about so many things, and I'm willing to let them sit now, hence I have so many things to write too. They're all over the place; some of them I publish here, most of them are on my Notes app and my physical diary. As the title of this post suggests, a lot of things have happened since the previous quarter. Too many changes that I feel like a totally different person now.
moving back home for my new job
I got a new job! At my hometown! Better pay, hopefully better working environment, maybe great colleagues too and a project I've been aiming to work at for months on end. Moving back home comes with its own challenges, one of them being my complicated relationship with home and the things and people I left behind in my previous town and company. The last month I was in Kudat, I was a total wreck, and on the day I actually left, half of my soul was still there. It was weird to feel sad to move back home, but I was. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah for the new opportunity and experience.
first breakup
Well, this one is a personal one. I was in my first relationship since July last year, and things were not the best with my ex, but I was in love. Out of my mind in love, as Isabel Conklin said. I don't want to talk about the whys or the hows, but September had been rough on me. It has been exactly a month since the breakup, and though I'm much better than the person that I was a month ago, I'm still very much brokenhearted. But I know I will be okay. I just need the time to process everything, let things go, let him go, and just learn to be with myself again.
which leads to me ACTUALLY starting to live again...
The whole year I was with him, I made him the centre of everything. Which was why it hurt so bad when it ended; it's like I knew I was falling and the destination was concrete even before I jumped, and I didn't put anything on the ground to cushion the pain from the fall. When another person, or a relationship, is your centre of everything, your life tends to pause somehow. Or at least a huge part of your life, which was what happened to me. I stopped doing so many things I loved, simply because his presence alone already made me very content. And when he disappeared, I had nothing left to make me content, leaving me to crawl back to the things I had left so far behind. Which sucked, but also a huge blessing in disguise.
I started reading again!
This is the thing that I'm happiest about. I'm finally reading again. This September, I finally finished one book in one day, which has never happened since... forever. Due to my work, I can't always be reading, but I can say I'm religiously reading at least once a day. I'm actually excited to open my books again, get to know new worlds and characters, and I'm so happy about this because books used to be my whole world. I thought I had outgrown them! Turned out I only needed an empty space to place them in.
current obsessions
1. Once Upon A Broken Heart trilogy by Stephanie Garber (the books that got me out of my reading slump)
2. Sabrina Carpenter's new album, Man's Best Friend (I wrote a whole ranking for the album here)
3. The Summer I Turned Pretty TV Series (finally watching this one because of my FOMO, it's not the best, but at least it's enjoyable)
4. Hayley Williams's new single, Parachute (Tell me what was the moment, you decided to give up, you could've told me what you wanted, I would've done, I would've done anything, I would've done anything - YUP THIS LINE HITS WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME)
5. The film Sore: Istri Dari Masa Depan. Did I bawl throughout the whole movie? Yes. Did I also write my thoughts on the movie right after I went home? Yes, here.
6. Reading/ watching other people's breakup journeys online (because I need to know that I'm not alone)
I'm one of those people who hate to say, "Yes, the journey was hell, but it brought me heaven", because I hate how bad a crappy experience makes me feel. I have depressive tendencies! So I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say this is my pot of gold at rainbow's end because I'm still feeling pretty crappy, and this pot of gold feels like a pot of shiwater for me. I know I will be a better person by the time this phase ends, but I wish I didn't have to feel this bad just to get there. But that's just... the sweet and sour of life.
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