the non-existent art of self-comparison


There's no benefit in comparing ourselves to others. Anyone can argue "but comparing myself to others help in motivating myself to be better!" and maybe there's a part of me that still agree with that argument because I used to whole-heartedly believe in that as a child, but at the end of the day, I know how short-lived a motivation that stemmed from self-comparison is. At the end of the day, you'll beat yourself up because you'll never be at the place where you want to be because where you want to be is where that other person is in their life. 

I guess, people my age are more prone to this. And maybe this feeling will still be there by the time we reach 30 or even 40 years old. With this pandemic and staying home a lot, I'm always with my phone and despite my decreasing screen-time, I'm still able to keep myself up to date with some people's (that I adore) lives. I'm just scared that I'll never grow out of this feeling because it's such a toxic feeling for myself and toxic for my relationship with people/things that I love.

Every single time I discover something new to love, the I'm-so-in-love-with-this-thing-I'll-talk-to-everyone-about-it phase only lasts for 3 months maximum and then I'll distance myself from that thing because that's usually the time I would see how many people also love the same thing and I would feel that I don't love that thing enough, as much as them, to even be in the same big circle as them. And that sucks because I know that nothing in this life is ever a competition, life is not a race, I preach those things when my friends come to me with that same feeling but what if deep in my heart, I don't believe the same for myself?

I feel this very same feeling for blogging, heck even the simple act of reading and fangirling, studying and I hate it the most when I feel it in any of my relationships. I sometimes say to myself "but you're just 20, it's normal to feel this way and slowly grow out of it" to calm myself down, which never actually works lol because what if this is still how I feel about everything after 10 years? And is this feeling even real? Humans always change, evolve to be better people. That's just how humanity should work, so should I always try to be better in everything? But none of this is a race, though? Is trying to be better = trying to win a race? 

Maybe, the key to cope with this feeling is just understanding that not everything is a competition, you don't have to be better at everything and for some things, it's okay to just simply love doing them and there is no such thing as 'better' when it comes to those things. I'm still learning a lot about things in life and myself and I'm not quite where I want to be in my coping with this feeling yet, but I hope I grow more and more each day to stop comparing myself so much to other people.

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