Nabila

I want to play with your hair,

I want to see you breathe as you sleep at night,
And ask about your dreams when you wake up,
And bear the pain of loving you way too much.

I want to see you under the morning light,
And be the one sitting next to you under the afternoon glow,
And bear whatever it is that you would spill and overspill to me.

I want to write you poems,
And watch as you laugh and ask what you think of them,
Do you want to build a home with me?

230310 / kita usahakan rumah itu – sal priadi

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Needless to say, I'm a hopeless romantic. This poem was not inspired by the song mentioned, but the last verse was; the conclusion to what I wanted to say to the guy behind this poem. I was in love out of my mind with this one guy a bajillion days ago and thought "Oh, he has shiny eyes, he would have really cute children", but then also thought "Yeah, and he would most likely not have any with you". The second verse was, in fact, the first one written. This poem is sweet. The reason it was written was bitter, just like most of what I've written. I have another poem titled her and her and her that's like a brutal version of this poem (similar message, harshly worded), I don't think that piece will see the light of day LOL.

I guess we've established that I'll be doing a quarterly life update instead of monthly. Your girl has the attention span of a 5-year-old, emotional burst-outs like a 16-year-old and spends her time like she's a massive workaholic (wake up, work work work, go home, sleep)—she's not a workaholic. I love writing here because it summarises everything that has been happening to me, and is also at my fingertips. Journaling is one thing, I do that too, but sometimes it's too much, and I usually just do a brain (emotional—more like a trauma) dump instead of summarising my life. It's important TO ME that I document my life because of my Dory brain and my need of nostalgizing life every now and then. So here's what you missed on gLeE mE...

Surprisingly, I still work at my first job, whereas ALL of my friends have left one by one. I freak out over this at least once a week, and it has been taking a toll on me for a while. I've cry-called my mother more times than I want to admit, embarrassingly. I watch my friends moving on with their lives and growing, and I don't feel like I'm growing in the same trajectory as them. My growth feels... rather... slow. And my life also feels slow. So I am having a mid-year crisis, let's see if I'll get over it by the next quarter.

I don't remember if I've ever written about this, but I love rewatching stuff (which is why I'm on an eternal Friends rewatch—sucks that it's not on Netflix or Disney anymore). It's easy to digest the things you've seen, you get to relive your favourite scenes again and again, and sometimes you get to have a perspective you didn't have the first time around. It's comforting, you don't tend to do a watch marathon (which is great but takes a toll on your sleep and eyes). These days, I'm rewatching Modern Family, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and sometimes, How I Met Your Mother. And during my long holiday in June, I was on a full-on Marvel marathon, which re-established my love for Guardians of the Galaxy, Loki (the character) and Tony Stark.

Sometimes when a big change happens in your life, this whole version of you shatters into small pieces, beyond repair. The harsh truth is that you will never get this version back. You will need to rebuild everything that was shattered from scratch, and it will not look quite the same as the one before. This new version of you might be hard to love when you spent years and years to like even that good-enough past self, but with time, you'll see what to love in this new version and accept it somehow. And that's kinda the process I'm currently in, and it's super hard.

1. This slightly mushy but bittersweet thing I wrote

2. are you emotionally detached or are you just protecting yourself? - good damage

3. Untuk Dunia, Cinta Dan Kotornya by Nadin Amizah

I need to read and consume quality content more, but these days I just can't. Not even my favourite books. Not even my favourite content creators, not even my favourite musicians and writers. My days have turned into this blurry, grey ball of nothings; my tomorrows just echo from my yesterdays. Everything feels stagnant, to be honest; my feet deep in dirt, heart too scared to jump out, not knowing where I might end up... This post is kind of my "TAKE A BREATH" moment.

I long to see you at the end of every day.

Life’s tough and people are rough,

Yesterday draining, tomorrow reckoning,

Today, still spinning,

But you sit at the end of my day,

Gentle and sweet,

The catalyst of my healing,

A soft place to land when I free fall.

I long to see you at the end of every day.

Home, just not quite yet,

But warm, just the same.

My buzzing mind, ever trembling, never quiet,

Your quiet noise, ever lingering, never fading.

Intentional silence and comfortable chatter,

Over coffee or cakes or ice cream.

I long to see you at the end of every day,

And I wish I always will,

I wish that what you are to me is what I am to you,

And if we’re damned to wither,

I wish that this is how you’ll remember me;

A person you look forward to seeing every day,

To be missed and reminisced.

250625 / don’t forget you love me – calum hood

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Saw this Calum Hood's interview on TikTok, and there was this one comment that interprets "don't forget you love me" that Calum's ex said to him as a reminder to never demonise their relationship and antagonise the ex-lover by remembering that he love/loved them. And so that gave a kind of clarity to me... which inspired this poem.