When life gives you lemons;


Yesterday was the hardest day of my almost 3 weeks in UMS. I was supposed to go home, I was terribly homesick (but no one else knows), feeling so lonely even when I'm having fun with my friends, stressed out because of the workload. I adapted okay with my uni life, but I needed to be home to refresh myself. I prepared everything the night before; do my laundry, tidy up my closet and packed, and when I woke up in the morning, there was something that made me couldn't go home.

I was feeling down all day. I smiled and laughed with my friends but in my mind, all I could hear was "you can't go home, you can't go home, you'll stay here until November without going home." It was terrible. My brain is the most toxic organ in my body (lol what kind of statement is this). When I got to the residential college, I went straight to the surau at my block because there was no one there and cried hard. I missed home so much and my parents and my friends. I cried for about an hour and a half and then went back to my room and slept.

When I woke up, I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't feel like eating at all even when I haven't eat anything since the night before. I felt like lying on my bed and not showering and not doing anything. It was The symptoms. I had been this state before, so I knew it very well. No appetite, lose interest in everything, not caring about anything in my life, heavy heart. I don't do self-diagnose, but I knew I was on the verge of a breakdown.

I was scared to end up that way again. The last time I had a breakdown was when I was in form 4, and I was so behind in my studies for about 5 months. Hence, yesterday, I did what I could to not fall into the same hole. I got up from my bed, went to shower, do my little laundry, and texted one of my friends to bring me to cafe to eat. Then, I did my Asr prayer, and prayed to Allah to get me out of the darkness. Just that. I wanted to get out of  negativity.

Here's what changed everything: my friend replied to me a few hours after that and asked me to go eat with her. And she asked, whether I will go to the KULSEM (Kuliah Sepuluh Minit) at the mosque. I knew that I need to 'feed my soul' with something or else I would really have a breakdown because even my favorite 'healing' playlist couldn't help me. Then I said yes to KULSEM. When I went to the mosque and the sharing started, there were only 4 of us. It was weird for me, because before when I was still in secondary school, people always fill the mosque to the sharing (because it was compulsory).

The theme of the sharing was Dengan Nama-Mu Aku Hidup. I thought it was just like another repetitive theme, just another common sharing. It was not. The nice sister started the sharing by this ayah:

Allah (is the) Protecting Guardian (of) those who believe[d]. He brings them out from [the] darkness towards [the] light. And those who disbelieve(d) their guardians (are) the evil ones, they bring them out from the light towards [the] darkness. Those (are the) companions (of) the Fire, they in it will abide forever. (2: 257)

That ayah, especially the part that I typed in bold, hits me hard and make me feel so loved. The sister said this "You guys are the believers that Allah cared so much about and protect. He made your hearts want to go to this sharing even when you have to walk so far." In my mind, it wasn't just that. Allah just granted my wish. He just got me out of the darkness. He showed how much He loves me. I was on the verge of falling again and Allah protected me from doing that. All I wanted to during that sharing was cry and hug the sister but I didn't because it would be weird lol.

I am so lucky, because things like this rarely happen to people. I know that a lot of people had been in this way and it was so hard for them to get up when they're falling. I'm still feeling down, but not as much as I was yesterday. A breakdown isn't easy to cure, it's still hard for me, but Alhamdulillah, I still have the strength to fight it.

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