2019 reflections: I'm a work in progress

I've been seeing this "what's your biggest flex in 2019" around Twitter and a lot of people had some major flex which is very inspiring to see. So I kept thinking and thinking what's my biggest flex of 2019 and realized that really, I have none that is as great as the flexes those people had. But I like this saying from Aida Azlin's Tuesday Love Letters:

We can all be both masterpieces, and work in progress, at the same time.

We can all have fears, and vulnerabilities, and insecurities, and anxieties and at the same time, we should still be able to recognise and celebrate what makes us amazing. That, despite our struggles, and our flaws, we should still be standing tall today, proud of how far we have come, and reminding each of our awesomeness.

Because flowers need time to bloom. So do you.

Hence, this post is about my positive changes throughout the year and although these might seem minor to some people, all of these changes are the things that help me survive the year and I'm really proud and grateful for them.

I feel more comfortable with myself.  

I know this sounds cliche but hear me out. Ever since I was a child, I have had this huge fear of being singled out, especially when I'm alone. It got worse when I entered secondary school because people make fun of literally everything you do. Since I entered pre-uni, that fear slowly went away. I no longer feel afraid to walk to the library with massive textbooks or feel embarrassed just because I'm eating alone in the dining hall. It feels like freedom of some sort.

My mental state. 

I was so miserable in 2018 with my grandparents' passing, my first time failing in the subjects I was studying, being away from home for a long time for the first time, trying to juggle life and study and so on and so forth. This year, however, I realized that I wasn't as fragile as I used to be last year? I used to cry whenever there was so much to do but so little time, so little money but so many things to buy but this year, I'm more like "okay, you got through this before and you survived, you'll get through this and survive again". 

Talking with my mother about everything also helped a lot and every time I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, I call my mother and most of the time, she'll advise me to go back home or when that isn't an option, she just listened and give me some simple advice like "it's okay, just take a rest for a while then continue later" which doesn't technically solve all my problems but knowing that my mom is always there for me helps so much. I know that these aren't even options to some people but I'm really grateful I have the chance to do so.

I learn to appreciate the people I love more!

I lost two of my very beloved people last year (al-Fatihah to both of them) and there is still a lot of guilt lingering around me. I still regret all the time I could've called them but I didn't or when I just stayed in the room or couldn't get my hands off my phone all the time I was around them. It breaks my heart just thinking that because of that, I lost all my chances to talk with them, ask them their stories and get closer to them. It's true that you only realize the chances that you had when you lost all of them. 

The harsh lesson that I got from all of that was to always, always prioritize your family. Always, always prioritize your beloved ones because you never really know how much more time you have with them. This year, whenever I'm with my family members, I try to keep my hands off my phone the whole time and just appreciate the time I spend with them. I go back home a lot because I have the privileges that a lot of my friends who live far away don't have. When I'm angry or upset about something, I tend to just brush them off because I know that spending a long time being angry with them might make me regret it later.

These are the positive changes (and all of them are actually more to mindsets) I had that I'm grateful and proud of and I urge you to do a list of yours! Celebrate your achievement, be it minor or major. Let's all give ourselves a pat on the back for surviving the year :)