panicking over turning twenty


Okay, to be honest, the draft of this post was created on January 16th, which was 5 days after my birthday. Then, I got so busy with assignments due dates and presentations since it was the last month before our final exam week which, in the end, brought me to today. I don't even remember what I originally planned to write, 20-year-old who? I have the same memorizing ability as a 60-year-old. 

There is this huge stigma to turning twenty and it's only natural that I'm scared now. I feel like I haven't really changed a lot from the 16-year-old me. I mean, I did change so much, but did I grow enough to fit as a 20-year-old? It scares me a lot when I think about the fact that I'm really 20 now. I keep thinking about how my 25-year-old self is nearer than my 5-year-old self and to think that I have so many to achieve within these 5 years already exhausts me HAHA. I'm a 20-year-old girl/woman who still fangirls over fictional characters and men in bands, for God's sake :') I'm not saying that all 20-year-olds are not supposed to like men in bands or be fangirls anymore but AM I REALLY READY FOR MY TWENTIES?! DO I HAVE THE RIGHT MATURITY AND MENTAL STATE TO BE IN MY TWENTIES?! I DON'T THINK SO?! Sometimes I feel like I'm older than my age but when I'm physically saying that I'm 20, I can't believe that I'm this old already (old here is not referring to 'old', if you know what I mean hehe, it just means that I can't believe that I'm at this age already).

I'm leaving university in 2 years and I'm supposed to find a real job, a real, real one to put foods in my mouth (and my family's mouths), pay taxes (omg) and really be independent then but currently, inside, I'm just a girl/woman who wants to be on my bed all day long watching Netflix :') I'm pretty sure that's not the right mentality to get through my twenties HAHA😭 There are plenty of "what ifs" in my mind but let's not talk about that right now or else I'm gonna weep.

I'm sure I'll figure it out and I'll survive because that's just how life works but right now, this is how I feel. I'm happy that I have a lot of things to look forward to but more than that, I'm scared of what's to come. It has been a month since I turned 20 and yet I still haven't get a grasp on the fact that I'm no longer 18. Welp.

Post a Comment

Instagram follow @nerdbilla