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23 lessons by 23 | i turned 23!

3.04.2024

Afifah, 22 years old, 22nd February 2023. Photo by Cila.

Did I ever imagine that I would be typing this as a 23-year-old when I started this blog? Like most other people, no, I didn't. I started writing and posting online when I was 11 (too young, I know!!!) so 23 used to sound so far away from me. I started writing this 2 hours and 32 minutes before I officially turn 23 so I don't actually know how my birthday is going to be. Hypothesis: I'm gonna spend another normal day at work, with possible birthday wishes from my beloved family and friends, and go home to eat the cake I just bought. Update: Another normal day at work, except my department colleague decided to announce to everyone about my birthday by wishing me in our 100+ people WhatsApp group. It was a good birth-month though. So many good wishes and gifts from my friends, which made me feel loved.

The last similar post to this that I wrote was my 17 Lessons by 17 birthday post in 2018, written way before I started uni, and right before I lost my grandfather. I wanted to say that the person who wrote that seems like a totally different person than the person who's writing this post right now... but that doesn't ring true anymore. I'm just a slightly evolved version of her, she's still living somewhere inside me and somehow, it feels good to know that. It feels good to know that I didn't lose myself all the way through when I lost it. 

So these are another 23 lessons I've learned, over the past few years since then:

1. Do not dry your square hijabs (ESPECIALLY THE COTTON ONES) in the dryer.
Seriously don't. It's not worth it. I lost my favourite hijab to this (I'm still using it but the awning is forever damaged RIP).

2. Saying certain things out loud is much better than keeping them inside. Especially the things you're overthinking about.
Certain things can be put into perspective once said out loud. These might be the things you keep repeating over and over and over again in your head making things heavy but once said out loud, they feel lighter and some things might even sound ridiculous to even ponder about.

3. Confessing... is not all that bad.
If they like you back, good for you! If you're rejected, you'll get a closure! Confessing, personally, really built my courage and confidence to get to know people (I got rejected but he was a good man). And in reference to point number 2, sometimes saying things out loud puts things into perspective. You might realize how ready you actually are for an actual relationship once you say your feelings out loud.

4. 3-in-1s are full of sugar and will boost your weight gain. Might be good for others who want to gain weight, but NOT FOR ME.
I gained so much weight in a year because I consumed 3-in-1s three times a day, five days a week. And then boom! COVID happened and I gained more weight! I lost the weight when I got sick in 2022 but it was such a painful and annoying experience I never wish to go through again so no more 3-in-1s for me.

5. Just because the book debut is bad, it doesn't mean that a whole author's catalogue is that bad too!
People evolve. Writings evolve! The Mortal Instruments wasn't the best series per se but The Dark Artifices? Chef's Kiss, 10/10 writing, Julian Blackthorn is one of my favourite morally grey characters. Give someone another chance, I guess, that's the point here.

6. Your parents' prayers for you go a long way, further than you might think it is.
I personally feel like I won't get to where I am today without my mother's prayers. There is a kind of magic imbued in her prayers, I literally experienced that magic. Strange and good coincidences that happened after her prayers, the fact that I keep getting good things when I've done nothing to ever deserve them... A mother's prayer is indeed her greatest weapon.

7. Surrounded by good people is a kind of rizq too.
In fact, my favourite kind of rizq. I'm somehow always surrounded by people who mean well and are always kind to me. It's especially apparent during my uni years, my internship and even until my working era (life update: I got a job!). Always being able to see the good in people might play into factor, but so far I could just see that everyone who visits my life brought at least one good thing to me.

8. Rainy days are cosy but sunny days are just... warmer, not only to the body but also to the heart.
I used to be obsessed with rainy days because they're simply colder and you have a reason to stay in bed all day during rainy days. Right after COVID though... not anymore. Especially after the major flood occurrences over the past few years, I get worried every time it rains so heavily for a long duration. And knowing that these unexpected rainy day occurrences are because of climate change doesn't make it better.

9. You can't carry everything; you have to let go of some of your burdens to be able to efficiently carry the ones that actually matter.
This is something I'm still continuously learning. As the eldest child especially, I tend to feel like I need to carry everything when I have people that I can trust to carry them together. My brothers might be a bunch of headaches but they are growing to be more reliable day by day.

10. Self-dependency is good but it doesn't mean that being a little dependent on people is bad.
PEOPLE NEED PEOPLE. I actually need to hear this more as a kid but eh, it's not too late to learn. I used to hate even letting people carry my stuff because I felt like I was being a burden by being slightly dependent even for a few minutes. Once I started allowing myself to be a bit more dependent and accepting that I actually needed it to survive, things felt lighter. Once I accept that there are ears that will listen, shoulders that I can cry on, and hugs I can get for warmth, life feels a bit more liveable.

11. If you spill oily food that stains your clothes, don't let water on it first.
Put some body soap on the stain and just brush until it's clean THEN only you can let water on it. As a messy and careless person, this tip is a godsend. And why did I only learn this in 2022?! This could save a lot of my clothes.

12. There is an art in standing still; as in letting your life be still for a while.
Don't rush things, the things that are meant for you will find their way to you. Meanwhile, focus on the now, no matter how still you think it is. I assure you, there's still something you can learn amid the stillness. It's okay to not have your life going "go go go" all the time.

13. CGPA matters, but it's not all that matters.
I didn't get to graduate first class and for a while, I thought I was such a failure for not being able to graduate first class. And sure, HR might want to find people with higher CGPA but at the end of the day, in working life, I found that what matters more is your willingness to learn and grow.

14. I am very young and I am learning how to live.
I don't really remember where I found this quote but it has been one of my favourite quotes for almost a year now. Remembering that I'm very young and still learning how to live makes me breathe more easily. You're just starting out, you can't accomplish a lot of things in such a short time. The most important thing is to learn as much as you can.

15. You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this point of time in life.
There's no use wallowing in self-doubt over every decision that you have made. You made those decisions because Allah moved your heart to do so. What you can do now is try your best in everything and whatever the result is, trust that it's all in Allah's plan and that He has something good in store for you. Every road you have gone and are currently going through is leading you towards something greater.

16. Breaking away from the worldly is hard, but doable.
Especially during this raging genocide against Palestine, I found myself detaching more and more from the worldly stuff I used to love. Musicians, films, stories, and products contribute to the oppressors' side; at first, it was hard to fully break away but these days it's becoming easier. 

17. It's okay to DNF a book you're not really interested in.
It's still hard for me to DNF a book, which is why I created an 'On-Hold' shelf on my Goodreads page, for books I think I want to come back to when the right time has come. However, learning to DNF books has really helped in making my reading experience much more enjoyable.

18. Mistakes are okay.
In fact, mistakes are necessary for us to grow. Don't be scared to do things just because you're afraid you'll make mistakes. A person doesn't become an expert in something in a day. Sometimes you have to learn things the hard way. Just try not to make ones you can't take back.

19. A pau that rises back when you squeeze it is a good pau.
As a pau lover, this is how I measure how good a pau is (besides the amount of filling). This kind of pau is usually achieved by a tremendous amount of kneading, which is very laborious.

20. Sometimes the voices in your head convince you that you're not loved when you are very loved.
As someone with anxiety, it is very easy to doubt everyone's affection for me and hyper-fixate on slight gestures like late or short text replies, short time together, etc. I'm lucky that everyone's action always proves that I am very loved even though I never actually voice my ridiculous anxious thoughts to them. 

21. Some good things take time to feel right.
As someone who's constantly second-guessing her life decisions from even 5 years ago, it felt so freeing when I finally realized this. Sometimes you only see what's right about your decisions after a long time, so be patient (also a reminder to me).

22. Bravery doesn't mean that you're not scared. 
For the longest time, I thought that brave people don't feel scared. A few years back, I learned that they actually do feel scared. Courage doesn't mean that you're not scared, it means that you're willing to do something despite being terrified. And I would love to think that we're all brave people here.

23. It's okay to be a quiet person.
I used to hate how quiet I am, which explains the personality change over the years. Me being quiet makes people think I'm a closed off person (I am) that doesn't want to open up (I want to, it's just hard for me). Every loud person has always given off sunny vibes to me and I want that. I feel like me being quiet has hindered me from being friends with a lot of people and I love having new friends. These recent years, however, I learned that the right people will love you just the way you are, and bring out the best of you, be it quiet or loud. 

----

My birthday was on January 11th. I completed writing this post on February 6th and only by March did I have the time and the energy to edit this hehe. 
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23 lessons by 23 | i turned 23!

life updates & rants | so um... i finished my degree

8.07.2023

I know I said I wanted to be consistently updating this blog since last year, but life had just been hectic (when is it not?). A lot has happened since my last life update. My last post was a poem and I can't even relate to it anymore LOL. The person that is writing this post is a totally different person than the person who wrote that poem.

It feels a bit surreal writing this. I can't believe I went from writing about my day-to-day life as an 11-year-old to writing about me finishing my degree. What would that little girl think about me? I'm gonna be honest here, I am lost, confused, terrified and excited at the same time. Mostly terrified. Now that I'm out of the education cocoon, I should be free to fly anywhere I want but what if I don't know where that is? What if once I figure out where I want to be, I can't get there? (Obviously talking about the misery of job search guys).

Adulting feels weird. Part of me still feels like I'm a child; like I should always be supervised so that I won't do something that'll hurt me. But at the same time, I have these things I need to carry and do on my own, and figure out how to do them. It's like I'm being pushed into a room when I still have things in the other one, and now I can't get them anymore. It's scary to be here. Will I ever get used to it? Will I figure this out? And the one question that haunts me even in my sleep is, will I ever get a job? (the struggle is real guys, the competition is really something else).

So that's where I am, currently. TLDR; since the last life update (which was April last year holy cow), I started my final year project, finished it, finished semester 6 & 7 with flying colours, started my internship at the Department of Environment (which was super fun and precious to me), finished my internship and my final semester and I'm currently hunting for a job AND waiting for my graduation (which will be on November or December).

I would love to hear some of your life updates and stories. Or inputs regarding... you know... life, in general? 
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life updates & rants | so um... i finished my degree

under the april sky | ramadan, fun uni life, my new favourite album

5.23.2022

I was hesitating to post this because we're literally at the end of May, but I made a promise to myself to post every month's wrap-up on this blog this year so although it's much later than April, here it is. My April wasn't that eventful, to be honest. Or maybe I was just too tired to remember all of them...

How my Ramadan was...

I wasn't that satisfied with my deeds, they decreased a bit compared to the previous years because of my course workloads. On the other hand, I experienced so many new things since I was fasting on campus. I learned how to manage suhoor and iftar on budget, prepare everything without a fridge and a stove, and stay awake during face-to-face class while all I wanted was to sleep. The lessons I learned mostly were survival on campus during Ramadan. Maybe I'll write about all of them for next Ramadan, insya Allah.

Fun and exciting uni life!



I finally had my first lab after a year! And it was just as fun as I remembered. We also attended an environmental societal event and it had been so long since we all went out learning and having fun (albeit with the hot weather and the inability to drink) and it was exciting. I also hung out with my group of friends a lot in April despite not being able to eat except for that one time we celebrated our friend's birthday and those hangouts were fun.

My YGA stan self was soaring!



With BIGBANG's new song (which was so good it made me cry and hyperventilate for like HOURS) and the 2NE1's surprise during Coachella (which made me scream when I first saw the clip), my YGA stan self was literally soaring. As someone who became a stan during BIGBANG's MADE era and right before 2NE1's Goodbye, my stan life felt a bit more complete after these comebacks. I'm super excited about the things that are about to come from these two legendary groups.

I finally watched Business Proposal...

And I liked it enough to finish watching it but I won't say I love it? Maybe rom-coms are not really my thing, currently. I laughed a lot watching the show because of the comedy aspect, can't say I squealed and screamed like usual fangirls when I watched the romantic scenes. I love all of the actors' performances, especially the side characters and Kim Se-Jeong. For Ahn Hyo Seop specifically, although his performance was great, it wasn't my favourite performance of his. I love his performance in Dr Romantic more. Maybe it's because his character in Business Proposal was a stereotypical chaebol type and it wasn't my favourite archetype.

THE RELEASE OF ONE OF MY FAVOURITE ALBUMS OF ALL TIME: FIVE SECONDS FLAT BY LIZZY MCALPINE!




If you have been following my wrap-ups for the past couple of months, you would notice that I have mentioned Lizzy McAlpine in my previous two wrap-ups, which is a big deal for me because I don't like being repetitive in my blog posts (this is a sign for you to try listening to one of her songs, especially from her latest album!). This album was written so beautifully and the production made all of them so addictive without being catchy. I have a thing for beautiful chord progressions on guitar and wonderful storytelling and this album literally has both of those, and LIZZY'S ANGELIC VOICE was just a bonus, I swear. I cried listening to the album, danced to it, and sang my lungs out of it and I could tell from the first listen, that this album is one of those timeless albums I would listen to all the time.

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under the april sky | ramadan, fun uni life, my new favourite album

wrapping march up | life on campus, ramadan prep, the beginning of my final year project

4.01.2022

With March came a lot of things that I had been dreading and anxious about for so long and I thought this March was going to be hard for me, but surprisingly, it went really well. I really had a good time in March, thanks to a lot of things, which I'm going to include in this post. But first, let me just say, isn't it weird that things usually go extremely well when you don't have a lot of expectations about how things will go? Maybe that's how I'll live my life from now on.


5SOS made me cry!

I have been a fan of 5 Seconds of Summer since 2013 and their recent single really made me proud of them. Their previous works were wonderful, no doubt since I stream their songs on a daily basis, BUT THEIR RECENT SINGLE? SELF-PRODUCED, SELF-WRITTEN, FULLY BY THE BOYS AND THE BOYS ONLY?! I cried when I saw the video. They have grown up so much sonically and writing-wise and the fact that their upcoming album is fully self-made excites me so much. Another work of theirs is coming out on April 1st and I'm so excited to listen to that one too!

I'm living on campus again...

And surprisingly, it isn't as nerve-wracking as I thought it would be. I got a nice roommate, a strategic room despite the many stairs I need to climb to get to it, and most importantly, I'm closer to my friends now! We're not living in the same college, but it's like about 10 minutes away from me by walking so we can still plan to hang out and even have sleepovers, which is the only thing I have been anticipating since I decided to stay on campus this semester. 


Ramadan is coming...

Since I'm staying on campus this Ramadan, as opposed to last semester when I lived alone at home, I don't plan a lot in regards to food except for buying some rice, canned foods and some planning with my roommate in case the student authority is doing a spot-check to find rice cookers LOL. Besides that, I'm still planning to finish the whole Quran this upcoming Ramadan and since I'm certain I'm going to have my period very soon, I did some planning so that I can juggle doing my coursework, finishing 2 juz' a day for a week on top of other ibadah activities and other basic living obligations. I have it on the top of my head for now but will include it in my Notion page later.


I watched some very good TV shows!

the office
kim's convenience
thirty nine

Since my semester has just started and the majority of the classes I'm taking are mostly conducted online and there are not a lot of assignments yet, I mostly spend my afternoons and evenings watching tons of TV shows. I haven't finished The Office yet and I'm kind of on the fence about finishing the show because I've reached the part where Steve Carrell left the show and his character is one of my favourites... so... you know. I also started watching Kim's Convenience this month and am on season four. It was a fun TV show, very original and freaking SIMU LIU is in it. On the other hand, Thirty Nine makes me cry every episode. I love the writing and the vibe of the show, the writer and the actors really did well on this show! Really recommended.


I'm starting my final year project!

With the start of my final year project, the end of my university life also begins. I still have another year (my final semester ends in June next year) but I can't help but feel that the ending of this chapter of my life is already starting. I have been dreading this since my foundation year but surprisingly, so far, I'm doing well. I already have a topic in my mind and only need to find out what exactly I want to do regarding the topic. Please pray that everything will be eased for me.


And since my March went so well, here's a little collage of my month:





And with that, I bid you goodbye for now! I hope our April will go well and to my fellow Muslims, happy embarking on your Ramadan journey soon. See you :)
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wrapping march up | life on campus, ramadan prep, the beginning of my final year project

2021, what a year.

1.08.2022

A literal presentation of how I was doing, mentally, in 2021. (credit)

It's the 8th of January by the time I'm writing this, and I think it's not too late to say a happy new year to all of you! I haven't been posting a lot on this blog and to be honest, I don't know when I will start posting regularly again. I miss writing, planning it and the thrill of everything, hopefully, everything in my life will ease off sooner so I can get back on blogging.


2021, for me, was a roller-coaster that was going downhill with only tiny ups. I wanted to improve on so many things, I wanted to learn a lot of things but because everything was going downhill, I could only focus on surviving. It was not the worst year of my life, but it sure was the loneliest year and one of the hardest years.


In 2021, I started living alone for the first time, managing the house, paying bills and everything and I got to say, adulting is freaking hard. I was also busy with studying, doesn't have any transportation option except for Grab (which is freaking expensive), still paranoid of COVID-19 so I didn't get to go out a lot or even virtually socialize with my friends (we were all busy). For the first 3 months living alone, I felt like I was going insane. The only things that kept me sane were sitcom shows🙂


Losing interest in what I was studying due to a massive burnout certainly didn't help either. My life mission for the first 7 months of 2021 was just to survive, and that included my study. And the result was... well, obviously, not great. I had a week and a half of breakdown right after I got my result for the semester. I blamed myself again and again, but at the same time, I was aware that I did great just by surviving. 


Only when my semester break started that I had the time to process everything that happened since the end of 2020; living alone, how fucked up my social life had been since COVID started, my study burnout. It was a hard but very necessary process for me to continue my life and my third year of study, carrying pieces of baggage that were piled up for months would not help in me trying to grow.


Despite my failures and not so much improvement in parts I wanted to improve, I'm still thankful that I survived everything. Things were so hard for me for months but the fact that I still woke up every day to take care of myself. I tried, I tried and I tried to live better and maybe the impacts of what I did were not as big as I intended them to be, I still tried and that's enough. I can keep trying and maybe someday soon, I'll see the positive results I want to. 


And I hope that if you also feel like you didn't achieve much last year, you do know that survival alone is an achievement and we should be proud of ourselves. May 2022 be the year where, if not everything goes as we plan it to be, at least some of our plans can be done successfully. Happy new year!


Sending you a virtual hug because you did great in 2021! (credit)
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2021, what a year.

five things tag

7.18.2021

I was thinking about posting the same old life update but to be honest, nothing really happened within the last few months except that I went through with my fourth semester and am now currently confined to my house because of lockdown 3.0. So here's a 5 things tag I got from Eva. But firstly, here's a Gina Linetti gif that sums up my current mental condition:


Source: Buzzfeed


5 things you'll find in my purse

  • My wallet
  • My phone
  • Micellar water
  • A backup face mask
  • Hand sanitiser


5 things you'll find in my bedroom

  • MY RECENTLY BOUGHT WATERFALL ALBUM BY B.I!
  • My cactus, Zuko
  • My Kayman skincare products. I've been using their product for almost 2 years now and although my skin isn't flawless (yet), all of their products are my holy grail.
  • A book I'm currently reading: The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness
  • A mini microphone for my bedroom karaoke session that I told my mom I bought for my video assignments


5 things I've always wanted to do

  • Travel overseas
  • Make a vlog
  • Watch a live musical (Broadway especially)
  • Make a pie based on Waitress
  • Dye my hair purple like Olivia O'Brien's hair during her Was It Even Real era.
Source: Ones to Watch


5 things that make me feel happy

  • Video chat with my family
  • Going outside even just to do groceries shopping
  • Watching Colleen Ballinger's vlogs (SHE'S PREGNANT WITH TWINS GUYS THAT'S EXCITING)
  • Getting updates from my ultimate favourite k-pop boy B.I
  • Managed to finish my fourth semester of university, Alhamdulillah


5 things I'm currently into

  • High School Musical: The Musical: The Series. I didn't plan to watch this show at all. As a kid, I was more of a Camp Rock girl compared to High School Musical. However, I had been listening to Sour by Olivia Rodrigo nonstop and got curious about this show and guess what... I'm hooked! This is one of the few shows about high school that I will recommend to minors. It's clean, non-problematic and I think very relatable even for me haha.
  • Loki! I just finished the series a few days ago and I was super mindblown! My theories about the conclusion to the show were all way off. I so want to give the show a 10/10 rating but there were some problematic things about the show that all fans really feared would happen, happened. However, I'm still very excited about the second season.
  • Lizzy McAlpine's breathtaking music; my current favourites are In Agreement and I Don't Know You At All but it changes every day hehe.

  • OMG BLACK WIDOW! I'm such a sucker for a found family trope that every single scene made me want to gush with excitement. The actors' performances were so great in here and I think I might have some girl crush on Florence Pugh now <3
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I'm rewatching the show before the final season comes out.

 



 




5 things on my to-do list

  • Finish the books I'm currently reading
  • Write a book review of the book I finished after 3 freaking months
  • Plan our iftar meal for Arafah Day tomorrow
  • Open a package that I ordered from Kamelia Cosmetics. Their foundation is to die for. It's exactly how they promoted it: lightweight with medium coverage and gives a glowy finishing without making your face looks too oily.
  • Finish doing laundry

And with that, I end this post. May we all (especially my fellow Malaysians) can get through this trying time and be able to find joy through the littlest things. Please stay safe and take care of yourself and the people around you. To my fellow Muslims that are celebrating Eid al-Adha soon, eid Mubarak! To Malaysians who need help or want to help, you can go to kitajaga.co. For people who are looking for someone to talk to, you can contact me via Instagram or go to befrienders website.
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five things tag

ramadan mubarak!

4.18.2021


Hi everyone! And Ramadan Mubarak to all my Muslim sisters and brothers. It has been so long since I last posted and I do miss writing here. I still write a lot, but most of them I kept for only me to look at. I'm at that point in my life where I don't really know which part of my thoughts should I share. I want to share both the bad and the good in my life but I'm still trying to figure out where the line is so for now, I'm just playing it safe and write everything for myself. It helps a lot!


I can't believe it's Ramadan 2021 already?! Time is passing by so fast, I'm actually genuinely scared and nervous. So far, my Ramadan has been going... great I guess? I only got to fast for the first day and the night after the first iftar, my body decided to say TADA. Really looking forward to the end of this so that I can go through with my Ramadan plan.


At the same time, my Ramadan this year is so different from the previous years, given that I'm currently living alone. My university made it obligatory for people who have labs to go back to campus for this semester and that includes me. And since my university offered the option for people to be non-resident and live off-campus, I decided to just stay at a nearby family's house that is usually empty. 


So I basically do everything on my own now, food planning for the whole Ramadan, cooking for suhoor and iftar, buying groceries et cetera et cetera, you know, the usual stuff. I'm just saying, kudos to all moms out there, BECAUSE THIS THING LOOKS SO SIMPLE BUT ACTUALLY IS SO EXHAUSTING. I'm literally just frying my chicken wings and fishes using an air fryer and cook some simple vegetable dish like 60% of the days but it's still exhausting? I don't even make dessert? How did my mom do this? How did my mom manage to cook 2 main dishes, 1 side dishes and 1 to 2 kind of desserts every day with very limited time and energy? 


I miss my family a lot this year. Last year, since we were so cramped up in the house, with my two little brothers always ALWAYS fighting with each other and the chaos in the house, I sometimes found it annoying to iftar together. Well now, if possible, I want to iftar with them every day via video call HAHA. You only miss something when you can't have it anymore.


All things aside, I'm wishing a blessed Ramadan for all my Muslim sisters and brothers and a nice month to others! May only good things happen to us and may every bad thing that happens only make our hearts grow stronger instead of the opposite. 


If you're looking for some Ramadan tips, you may read my previous Ramadan posts!

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ramadan mubarak!

panicking over turning twenty

2.16.2021

Okay, to be honest, the draft of this post was created on January 16th, which was 5 days after my birthday. Then, I got so busy with assignments due dates and presentations since it was the last month before our final exam week which, in the end, brought me to today. I don't even remember what I originally planned to write, 20-year-old who? I have the same memorizing ability as a 60-year-old. 


There is this huge stigma to turning twenty and it's only natural that I'm scared now. I feel like I haven't really changed a lot from the 16-year-old me. I mean, I did change so much, but did I grow enough to fit as a 20-year-old? It scares me a lot when I think about the fact that I'm really 20 now. I keep thinking about how my 25-year-old self is nearer than my 5-year-old self and to think that I have so many to achieve within these 5 years already exhausts me HAHA. I'm a 20-year-old girl/woman who still fangirls over fictional characters and men in bands, for God's sake :') I'm not saying that all 20-year-olds are not supposed to like men in bands or be fangirls anymore but AM I REALLY READY FOR MY TWENTIES?! DO I HAVE THE RIGHT MATURITY AND MENTAL STATE TO BE IN MY TWENTIES?! I DON'T THINK SO?! Sometimes I feel like I'm older than my age but when I'm physically saying that I'm 20, I can't believe that I'm this old already (old here is not referring to 'old', if you know what I mean hehe, it just means that I can't believe that I'm at this age already).


I'm leaving university in 2 years and I'm supposed to find a real job, a real, real one to put foods in my mouth (and my family's mouths), pay taxes (omg) and really be independent then but currently, inside, I'm just a girl/woman who wants to be on my bed all day long watching Netflix :') I'm pretty sure that's not the right mentality to get through my twenties HAHA😭 There are plenty of "what ifs" in my mind but let's not talk about that right now or else I'm gonna weep.




I'm sure I'll figure it out and I'll survive because that's just how life works but right now, this is how I feel. I'm happy that I have a lot of things to look forward to but more than that, I'm scared of what's to come. It has been a month since I turned 20 and yet I still haven't get a grasp on the fact that I'm no longer 18. Welp.

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panicking over turning twenty

hello I'm whining + I might actually start writing personal posts in here again

10.25.2020


Lately, I don't feel like this blog is really me, or something that I still want to do anymore. I had been blogging since I was 10 or something (I don't think I should even be on the internet that time lol) and the excitement lasted until 2016 I think, when I still wrote a lot of personal posts on my blog. You see, my blog used to be my safe space, which is a weird thing because no one is truly safe on the internet. I have my diaries where I write all the details and names. I could've just written everything there but somehow I still found things to talk about in here. 

I stopped writing too many personal posts (and deleting old posts) in 2017, mainly because that was my SPM year and I wanted to focus on my study but the other reason was that I thought I was being whiny and immature about a lot of things. Which I was, but that's one of the phases of being a teenage girl. I also wanted to put on this cool, mature image but the truth is, I'm just a very insecure teenage girl with a lot of issues and just need an outlet to vent. My blog was my safe space because I know that maybe a person or two might stumble upon my blog and read my thoughts, and as a person who feels like she's burdening someone else when she vents, this blog is the perfect place because I don't force anyone to come and read my thoughts, they just come here.

And when I stopped writing about my feelings here, I stopped having an outlet. It was so miserable for me to not have a place to vent my feelings. It's not that I don't have a single person in my whole life that I trust, it's just that I'm just not into talking. Believe me, I met a few counsellors and each time I had a session, I would have trouble talking because I would just end up sobbing for no apparent reason. Writing is the best outlet for me.

Years passed and my bottling up has been getting worse. I'm all for my friends venting and opening up, I'm very supportive of that but I keep invalidating my feelings when I want to do the same. I need to stop doing that. I need to start writing and open up again for my own sake. I might seem whiny and attention-seeking but I'm doing this for myself. At least until I decide if I ever want to see a therapist (but that's a discussion for another day).

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hello I'm whining + I might actually start writing personal posts in here again

I'M BACK + a short rant about blogging

8.31.2020

If you managed to read this post, it means I finally have the mental energy to actually finish writing this. Hi! My last post was posted about 3 months ago, and wow that was such a long time ago. So many things happened since then. The biggest reason I paused blogging was that I resumed my second semester on June and my lecturers just dropped a whole bunch of assignments to finish with very limited time, and I decided to just focus on my studies. The semester was a literal roller-coaster ride, I had a few nervous breakdowns throughout finishing the semester, but I survived everything, and I'm here now, so that's what matters the most, folks!

During my hiatus, I've been thinking a lot about this blog. Before getting into that, wow this new Blogger interface is looking pretty good. Not many have changed besides the design and a few improvements for the writing experience but it's better than the last interface. I had been active in my bookstragram account before June and most of my friends there blog on WordPress and that made me want to move my blog, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE A FOMO but mainly because I want to be able to interact more with my friends. On the other hand, after getting to know how blogging WordPress a little bit, blogging on Blogger feels a bit boring. Maybe it's because I've been blogging here for about 9 years and nothing is really exciting for me anymore. But your girl here is too attached to Blogger, very much in love with her current Blogger theme and is actually a lazy person so moving to WordPress might not happen even after this year ends lol, we'll see.

I actually want to do my usual catch up post (read: august 2019 | september 2018 | may 2018) but I want to try something new by breaking it into a few posts so we'll see if I have the energy to write those. But for now, this is it for a little life update.

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I'M BACK + a short rant about blogging

Asasi is coming to an end.

4.19.2019


My 11 months journey in Asasi UMS is coming to an end in two more weeks and it doesn't feel real. Nothing ever feels real throughout the time I'm here, anyway. Sometimes I still get hits by the truth that I'm far from home and I'm alone managing my life and I'm not a high school student anymore and next year I will be starting my degree. Everything feels unreal and even until the end, I'm still not sure if coming here was the right path for me.

I learned a lot here. There were times I felt so lonely, helpless and scared thinking about the future and my life but I had no one to talk to. Here I found Allah again and realized that He indeed, is the Most Loving, Merciful and Forgiving. I met lots of people who opened my eyes about my purpose of life and there's no one to thank but Him for sending these people into my life, even if it was only for short period of times. You know who you are and I'm sorry for not staying longer.

Here, I saw the reality of students' life (lol)! There really were times that there is only RM50 in your bank account and you can't get it out because the ATM only let you get +RM50 out of your bank account! I knew about that but I never really know it could happen to me until it did (numerous times). These were times that I fast for a few days, iftar with instant noodles then get bad gastritis. Thanks, mom and dad for never letting me starve here and listening to me cry when I got penniless.



Thanks, Asasi UMS, for letting me meet lots of kinds of people. The lecturers here are the nicest and the most sincere teachers I've ever known. They taught with passion and with love, with the greatest intentions for the students and again and again, I was surprised with how sincere they are. I love all my lecturers. They always say things to inspire the students to never give up and only He knows how thankful I am for that because I want to give up studying like every day.



Next, my friends. I'm socially awkward and when I first came here, I thought that I would never have any close friend here. I would be that girl in the back that no one knows. Or at least that's what I thought. Semester 1 was definitely the most fun phase. My tutorial mates were the best and I love them so much. They made me laugh every day, helped me a lot in raising my grade in semester 1, reminded me again and again that it's okay to be myself. Semester 2 was also really great. My tutorial mates for semester 2 were the nicest and really, wisest people I had ever met. They taught me a lot of things.

And last but definitely not least, thanks for those who stayed. The first few people I knew in Asasi, my dobi and birthday buddies, never failed to make my day when we were together. Thanks for all the birthday celebration and our hang out sessions. You all will be deeply missed.



And my onions. Thanks for staying with me for the last few months of Asasi. You guys annoy me a lot and I'm sure I annoy you guys a lot too but even after all that, we put up with each other. Thanks for including me in this mini onion group. So psstt SPM leavers, do not be afraid to come here. Life gets hard lots of times but the people you'll meet here make it 10 times easier to live, in shaa Allah.

Psst.. follow me on Bloglovin' if you're interested in getting updates on my blog there.
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Asasi is coming to an end.

we will always miss you, nenek

12.09.2018


The memory of this day is still fresh in my mind. The first Eid without Atuk, probably the hardest Eid for Nenek, harder than all of ours. Exactly on the 242nd day of Atuk's passing, Nenek followed him. She had been sick for months already. She missed him so much, I'm sure of that.

I stayed with her a month and a half after Atuk passed away. I can still remember her daily routine by heart. Her favourite Turkish TV show, her smell, the foods she loved to cook, the time she would take her meds, how she talked about arwah Atuk; if I could go back to this time just to hear her voice again, I would. I wouldn't take my eyes off her when she talks and does anything.

She was one of the strongest, greatest, wonderful women I had ever known. She was a fantastic mom to her children and grandmother. Even until her last few days, she was one of the people I looked up to and will forever look up to until I die. 

May you rest in peace, Nenek. We all miss you. We love you.
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we will always miss you, nenek
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