if I'm not where I am supposed to be, then where should I be?


Photo by Tim Ronca.

As the end of my degree draws closer, I grow more anxious. What if I screwed up and made the wrong choice? This has been a question that keeps haunting me ever since I started my foundation in 2018. I have always been an indecisive person, I don't know if it's rooted in my many interests in life or the lack of it. When I finished secondary school, I was sure that I never wanted to study anything related to science anymore. But then I entered a foundation that is specified for science, where I could only continue to pursue studies in the field of science. And then when the time came to choose a degree programme when I could choose to study psychology which involves lesser science, I instead chose to study environmental science.

Now, I'm not regretting anything. I've grown so much since I started my foundation, and I've learned the art of trusting Allah's plan, believing that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be right now, that every hardship I'm facing is essential for whatever it is that is coming in my life. I'm grateful for every choice that I made in my life. These days, along with the question I wrote in bold above, another question that keeps popping up is if I'm not where I am supposed to be, then where should I be? Usually, that question comes after I try to convince myself that I am not screwing up, and if I'm screwing up, it's essential for my growth. 

I see friends that seem to be exactly where they want to be. I know some of my friends from secondary school that is actually working so hard towards their dream, towards the place they think they should be at, and I'm envious of them because I don't know where the heck I should be. Is this really the place where I want to be right now? What if I'm wasting my time at this place when I should be somewhere else? Is me questioning this right now a sign that I'm a person without a purpose in life? (No don't go there.)

I wish I can somehow see little pieces of my future. Just to see if I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and not wasting my time. Maybe I really should invest some time thinking about my long-term goals so that I can plan the most efficient ways to not waste my time to get the place that I think I should be, despite not believing in long-term goals. Or I can just keep convincing myself again and again and again that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and try to build a shield for myself somehow (I don't know how), just in case I do screw up. 

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