Nabila

230321/ if this was a movie - taylor swift

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Though I don't relate to this anymore, I personally think that this is one of the sweetest pieces I've ever written to a person. I haven't feel what I felt when I was writing this piece in a while, and though I don't miss the agony, I sure miss how pure and genuine my feelings were.

I am shamelessly writing my January update post in April, and I have no single care about how late it has been (78 days since 31st January, I googled). I even thought of just making a Quarter 1 of 2025 update, but that would be a long post despite my disappointingly uneventful life. 

Hi, welcome back. I don't know if this will end up being posted; you have no idea how many posts I've been continuously drafting for the past few months. I have been eager to write; writing is in my blood, and it's the only tool that lets me get as much junk out of my mind, but most of the time, I'm busy (surprise) or just not in the mood (shocking). Without further ado, let me get started with my update... before I lose my writing mind zone.

To all of you who have been here since 2014 (though it's very unlikely that anyone from that time is still here), that 13-year-old girl is no longer. She's now 24, living in a whole other city, has a job and is living, albeit unthrivingly. The celebration was... disappointing when you compare it to the previous years, but hey, I'm an adult now, and you can't always have what you want, right? Anywho, grateful! For another year, for my healthy parents and siblings, for my never-ending rizq, Alhamdulillaah. I try to find my tiny bit of happiness these days to survive, and so far, I'm surviving.

I finished a book, and it made me cry and have an existential crisis

Shockingly, I only read three books last year. I, someone who has the ability to read up to 20 books per month. So in January, I vowed to finish reading at least one book, and I did! The said book was The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. The book tells a story about a woman who committed suicide, and before she dies for good, her soul goes to a library that lets her live all the lives that could've been, if only she had made different choices in her life. It was very eye-opening, soul-touching, the kind of story that makes you think and paired with Haig's simple yet profound writing, the book left a lasting emotional impact even until this day.

A teeny-tiny-bit-personal update

I had a friendship breakup in January. And if you ever had a breakup, you know it doesn't happen all at once, all of a sudden. The process is gradual, and you sense the changes over time, and in my case, I kind of ignored it when they first happened because I didn't see any reason for the friendship to crack to the point that it got. The massive heartbreak didn't happen until February, but the resentment had been building up for months. Most parts of it were my fault, but I could also feel that our friendship had run its course. I still miss them every single day, but I don't even feel like starting over again for some reason... It's a "I screwed up but what if I screw up again?" thing.

And with that, I end my writing here for now. Let's hope I find the energy and mindspace to write log #2 and log #3. My actual theme for January was hopelessness, as I was in such a deep despair over some stupid shit but we are all about staying hopeful so to end this post, here's a quote from The Midnight Library that I loved: 

Obviously, a LOT has changed over a year. Made new friends, lost some friends, felt feelings I've never felt before, got to know sides of me I didn't really realize were there before, got fooled and know better, and made tons of mistakes. At some point this year, I felt like I grew backwards instead of forward, and I don't think that's good. Some mistakes are necessary to make in your life, to mould you into the person that you are meant to be... but I just think some mistakes are way too big. With that being said, life has been great, God has been treating me so well for the past year but I kind of feel... stuck, hence the title of this post. 

Happy New Year everyone, and with the Chinese New Year vibe still around us, Happy Chinese New Year to everyone who is celebrating. Wishing us all health, wealth and all kinds of wellness for this year. To everyone who is beginning a new journey, whether it's health-related (yes let's lose all that weight!), spiritual-related (especially to my Muslim brothers and sisters), or just totally random things, I wish us all the best. May we achieve everything that we want this year.

When you feel stuck, it's easy to feel like your growth is hindered, every day feels the same, and all the same faces you meet every day start to feel... boring. Or maybe it's just me. Especially when you're living in the middle of nowhere, it's easy to feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I love my small-town life. I love that no matter which junction you turn into this town, you'll never get lost. I love that the 99 Speedmart cashiers in my housing area know and recognize me. And dang it, even the district hospital nurses are starting to recognize me. But if I learned one thing from living in my hometown (which was also a small town) throughout my childhood, it's that when everyone in the town knows you or at least anyone who knows you, it tends to suffocate you. 

I wish to feel excited again this year. Instead of anxiety over what is coming, I wish to feel excited instead. I wish to feel like I'm growing forward instead of backwards. I pray that God etches the courage I need onto my soul to end things that I should and begin a new journey.

Happy New Year again, everyone. Cheers!