2025 #log 3: moving back home for my new job, breakup, current obsessions

10.01.2025


What word rhymes with yellow?
Hello!
If everything I planned worked out, this would be published exactly at the end of the third quarter of 2025. I've been on a roll in terms of writing; I think about so many things, and I'm willing to let them sit now, hence I have so many things to write too. They're all over the place; some of them I publish here, most of them are on my Notes app and my physical diary. As the title of this post suggests, a lot of things have happened since the previous quarter. Too many changes that I feel like a totally different person now.

moving back home for my new job

I got a new job! At my hometown! Better pay, hopefully better working environment, maybe great colleagues too and a project I've been aiming to work at for months on end. Moving back home comes with its own challenges, one of them being my complicated relationship with home and the things and people I left behind in my previous town and company. The last month I was in Kudat, I was a total wreck, and on the day I actually left, half of my soul was still there. It was weird to feel sad to move back home, but I was. Nonetheless, alhamdulillah for the new opportunity and experience.

had a breakup

Well, this one is a personal one. I was with my first official boyfriend (real first love), since July last year, and things were not the best with my ex, but I was in love, out of my mind in love, as Isabel Conklin said. I don't want to talk about the whys or the hows, but September had been rough on me. It has been exactly a month since the breakup, and though I'm much better than the person that I was a month ago, I'm still very much brokenhearted. But I know I will be okay. I just need the time to process everything, let things go, let him go, and just learn to be with myself again.

which leads to me ACTUALLY starting to live again...

The whole year I was with him, I made him the centre of everything. Which was why it hurt so bad when it ended; it's like I knew I was falling and the destination was concrete even before I jumped, and I didn't put anything on the ground to cushion the pain from the fall. When another person, or a relationship, is your centre of everything, your life tends to pause somehow. Or at least a huge part of your life, which was what happened to me. I stopped doing so many things I loved, simply because his presence alone already made me very content. And when he disappeared, I had nothing left to make me content, leaving me to crawl back to the things I had left so far behind. Which sucked, but also a huge blessing in disguise. 

I started reading again!

This is the thing that I'm happiest about. I'm finally reading again. This September, I finally finished one book in one day, which has never happened since... forever. Due to my work, I can't always be reading, but I can say I'm religiously reading at least once a day. I'm actually excited to open my books again, get to know new worlds and characters, and I'm so happy about this because books used to be my whole world. I thought I had outgrown them! Turned out I only needed an empty space to place them in.

current obsessions

1. Once Upon A Broken Heart trilogy by Stephanie Garber (the books that got me out of my reading slump)
2. Sabrina Carpenter's new album, Man's Best Friend (I wrote a whole ranking for the album here)
3. The Summer I Turned Pretty TV Series (finally watching this one because of my FOMO, it's not the best, but at least it's enjoyable)
4. Hayley Williams's new single, Parachute (Tell me what was the moment, you decided to give up, you could've told me what you wanted, I would've done, I would've done anything, I would've done anything - YUP THIS LINE HITS WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME)
5. The film Sore: Istri Dari Masa Depan. Did I bawl throughout the whole movie? Yes. Did I also write my thoughts on the movie right after I went home? Yes, here.
6. Reading/ watching other people's breakup journeys online (because I need to know that I'm not alone)

I'm one of those people who hate to say, "Yes, the journey was hell, but it brought me heaven", because I hate how bad a crappy experience makes me feel. I have depressive and suicidal tendencies! So I'm not going to say that. I'm not going to say this is my pot of gold at rainbow's end because I'm still feeling pretty crappy, and this pot of gold feels like a pot of shiwater for me. I know I will be a better person by the time this phase ends, but I wish I didn't have to feel this bad just to get there. But that's just... the sweet and sour of life.

Previous 2025 logs:

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why Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan feels more like a reflection than a romance (in a good way)

9.29.2025



I’d been waiting to watch this movie even before it hit theatres in Indonesia. Sheila Dara Aisha is starring (and yes, I could look at her face for hours), plus the premise sounded intriguing. When the film went viral in Indonesia—at least according to my TikTok For You Page—I had major FOMO. So when it finally came to Malaysia, of course, I rushed to catch it during its opening week.

Look at her face. So pretty, I want to be her when I grow up.
And first things first: to everyone who shared Hall 6 at GSC 1Borneo with me on 28th September, 5:30 PM showtime—I owe you an apology. Yes, I was that girl in seat C11 who cried through the entire movie, even during scenes that weren’t supposed to be sad. My bad. 

Premise


Imagine waking up one morning to find a stranger lying next to you—who then claims to be your future spouse. Naturally, you wouldn’t believe them. But what if they knew everything about you, even your most hidden quirks? That’s exactly what happens to Jonathan, the male lead. He wakes up to find Sore by his side, calmly insisting she’s his wife from the future. In exchange for making his life easier, she asks him to stop smoking, drinking, and start living healthily.

At first glance, the setup promises a sweet, quirky romance with a time-travel twist. But the film isn’t really about sci-fi mechanics—it’s about the emotional weight of love, choice, and change.

Themes


On the surface, it’s fate + romance with a sprinkle of time travel. But beneath that? Pure emotional torture (in the best way).

The movie keeps circling two painful questions:

1. If you love someone enough, can you change them?
2. If they refuse to change, do you have the strength to keep choosing them anyway?

Watching it felt exhausting in a strangely beautiful way. Hopeful, but tiring. Because, like in real life relationships, Sore keeps going back, trying again and again to help Jonathan become better—and failing. You find yourself asking, how long can this go on? If I, as an audience member, feel drained, how much heavier must it be for Sore? I could hear the audience sigh every time Sore resets everything from the beginning. Exhausting as it was, that was the point of the film.

And that’s the film’s rawest truth: love is choosing someone over and over again, even when it hurts. Ten times. A hundred times. A thousand times. Until you’re not sure if you’re saving them or losing yourself.

Characters & Chemistry


Sore is certain, grounded, and strong-willed. Jonathan is confused, hesitant, and overwhelmed. Their relationship isn’t about dazzling chemistry—it’s about the grinding reality of love’s work. Many viewers complained their spark felt muted, but that makes sense: this Sore belongs to Jonathan’s future self, the man he hasn’t become yet. The disconnect isn’t a flaw; it’s the point.

Sure, audiences crave the rush of a traditional romance. But for me, Sore’s unwavering determination—and the deep love fueling it—was far more compelling than any swoon-worthy moment.

Personal Reflections


By the time the credits rolled, I wasn’t just thinking about Jonathan and Sore—I was thinking about myself. About how love means choosing someone again and again… but also hoping they choose you with the same strength. About how love alone can’t transform someone who doesn’t want to change. And maybe, choosing someone doesn't always mean saving them. Choosing someone means that you'll stay, through the highs and the lows, especially the lows.

Picture by Farhangga

Sore: Istri dari Masa Depan isn’t perfect, but it lingers. It’s the kind of film you’ll keep revisiting in your head, long after you’ve left the theatre, and for me, was added to my favourites list.

Recommended for the hopeless romantics, the sentimental souls, and anyone who listens to Sheila On 7’s Hingga Hujung Waktu on loop (because yes, I’m convinced the song inspired this story).

Links:
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page 24 of growing oddities | rosaline

9.22.2025


Hyperfixate on me until you tire,
Until another girl takes your love.
It's nice to feel your gaze for once;
It's good to feel your presence.

Look at me until your eyes wander,
Until you decide it was never more than passing.
It's something to be cared for,
Even when I know it isn't forever.

Maybe love me until you don't,
Maybe hold my heart until it cracks.
Maybe notice everything I do
Until it dissolves into nothing.
Maybe stay—long enough
For me to forget the silence.

I'm an unwelcome branch against your dry wall,
An odd accessory to your plain coat—
That's all I am.
So I tell myself not to believe,
Not to mistake shadow for permanence,
Not to hope too much.

Yet I know you'll go,
And I will be left,
A name you once spoke,
A heart you almost held.

220410 / to me - leith ross

---

This was an old one, written when I was 21, and recently polished. One of my favourite pieces I've ever written. This was very much inspired by the character Rosaline from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, and my previous experiences being the girl guys looked at until they found someone they wanted. I think I had just finished rereading Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower back when I wrote this, so that might be the catalyst to this sad piece LOL. 

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ranking of sabrina's songs from "man's best friend" (uncalled for)

9.16.2025


Sabrina Carpenter has been one of my favourite singers since her emails i can't send (eics) era. Personally, eics meant a lot to me when it first went out; my life was changed, the album inspired many of my poems, and many of her songs shaped my mind a lot. But we're not talking about eics today. I will not be able to talk about that album in a short post. I'm just going to write what I thought about her new album, Man's Best Friend, which coincidentally was released after my (messy) break-up. A short ranking post, like one of those TikTok videos, which I thought of making, but I just articulate my thoughts better through writing. This is not at all a review post, as I am not a musically inclined person. If you're interested in listening to this album whilst reading this post, here's the Spotify link.

Ranking at number 12 is Tears, simply because it's one of those songs that you dance to without needing to think. I'm more of a dance-cry person, and this song was not that kind of song, writing-wise.
Favourite line: A little communication, yes, that's my ideal f**eplay
Thoughts on the line: Be communicative. Duh.

Can't relate, Sabrina, I ALWAYS see the vision. All the guys I thought would grow up hot DID grow up hot. Even when the others didn't see it. The song is a total bop, though.
Favourite line: Sorry, I did not see the vision (Did not see the vision), Thank the Lord, the fine you has risen (The fine you has risen)
Thoughts on the line: Love it when people just glow up.

Imagine being so heartbroken that you have to resort to day drinking just to forget that you have been dumped.  
Favourite line: Guess a broken heart doesn't care that I just woke up
Thoughts on the line: The mornings are the hardest part, even to this day. I sometimes wake up thinking "ugh I miss him" but then in the afternoon I just... don't care.

Oh I LOVE this song. Sabrina is such an unserious and fun songwriter-I love the usage of metaphors in her songs. But this song has no metaphor, guys, she promised! And I have been loving the TikTok edits of this song using clips of Phil Dunphy from Modern Family. Phil would have loved this song, and would definitely keep playing this song to no end, saying that she's singing about real estate, and that Sabrina is a carpenter, so she definitely knows what she's talking about.
Favourite line: Yeah, I spent a little fortune on the waxed floors, we can be a little reckless ’cause it's insured
Thoughts on the line: Glad to know that your floor is insured, Sabrina. Insurance is really important.

The first single! Among all of the songs in this album, this sounds closest to her previous album, Short 'N Sweet. Loved that album too, but when this came out, I thought I missed a song from the deluxe. I tried so hard not to like this song because it was so mainstream, but I miserably failed because, although I didn't really play this song a lot, I absolutely still really loved it. With the third season of The Summer I Turned Pretty released and everyone editing Jeremiah to this song, I just couldn't help but love this song as well. #Terjebak.
Favourite line: Why so sexy if so dumb? And how survive the Earth so long? If I'm not there, it won't get done, I choose to blame your mom.
Thoughts on the line: Exactly! How can a person be so hot but so dumb? All the hot girls that I know are insanely smart, though.

The Jack Antonoff influence was so obvious in this one (in a good way). I love the way she sang "don't worry, I'll make you worry" in the chorus, the way it was so soft, but what she communicated in this song wasn't exactly... soft.
Favourite line: Silent treatment and humblin' your a**, Well, that's some of my best work
Thoughts on the line: Manifesting on being able to give people silent treatment and humbling men's a**es!

Ah, the one song that I really want to finally relate to. And this song sounds so much like ABBA, which I really love (a Mamma Mia fan here). This one actually made me dance-cry. 
Favourite line: Broke my heart on Saturday, Guess overnight, your feelings changed, And I have cried so much, I almost fainted
Thoughts on the line: I cried so much, I did faint.

Another song that's currently viral on TikTok, and deserves it. Definitely would have sent this to my ex's Mommy, but she doesn't need to know that her beloved eldest son is the person that he is.
Favourite line: Me? No, yeah, I'm good, just thought that he eventually would cave in, rеach out. But no siree, he discovered sеlf-control (He discovered it this week).
Thoughts on the line: "He discovered it this week" really sent me.

An elaboration to the "He discovered self-control (He discovered it this week)" line from Nobody's Son. Don't you just love it when yesterday he was obsessed with where you were, what you were doing, and the next day he could just delete your number and pretend you dropped dead?
Favourite line: He used to be literally obsessed with me, I'm suddenly the least sought-after girl in the land
Thoughts on the line: Relatable.

I first listened to the album according to the tracklist, so among the Top 3, this was the first one that played. I really thought this would be my favourite because the way the song started was really up my alley, but compared to #1 and #2, this was less relatable. Still relatable, but it wasn't something I dwelled on (avoided dwelling on).
Favourite line: You filled my whole apartment with flowers that die, the first to open up your wallet, but the last one to flag. A heart only breaks so many times. Save your money and stop makin' me cry.
Thoughts on the line: I don't need you to spend much money on me; I just want you to stop making me cry.

This actually makes me cry, and as much as I love this song, I cannot listen to it as much as I want to. We went through this "we almost broke up again last night" phase for so long that I couldn't remember when it started. Which was weird, because I remember thinking we were happy for the past few months. 
Favourite line: You say we're driftin' apart, I said, "Yeah, I f***ing know", big deal, we've been here before, and we'll be here tomorrow
Thoughts on the line: When you almost break up with someone again and again, you would think that the cycle would always repeat, especially when you're the one who's doing the hard work in the relationship. Like, why would they give up on you if they just have to sit still and look pretty, right? WRONG.

I knew this was going to be my favourite from the first 3 seconds I listened to it. In fact, I repeated that intro for like 5 times before I actually started to listen to Sabrina singing. I. Love. This. Song. It's full of dichotomies, lines contradicting lines, wishing your ex happiness but not really... I have no single favourite line from this song because I love every part of it. I laughed so hard listening to this song. I can easily spend hours just talking about this song, but I'm going to spare you from that torture.
Favourite line: I just wish you didn't have a mind that could flip like a switch, that could wander and drift to a neighbouring b**ch when just the other night you said you need me, what gives?
Thoughts on the line: My favourite line changes every second, but this one's the safest one, I think.

And that's my uncalled-for ranking of songs from Man's Best Friend. Would love to know which one is your favourite from the album too.
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page 60 of growing oddities | stork boy, king's man

9.08.2025




Oh Boy with the King’s name,
The owner of my soul,
The North to my compass,
The shackles to my heart.
You made sure I was tamed,
By the sweet tones of your words,
By the sweet notes of your lingering perfume,
By the sweet touch of your overnight coffee.

Oh Boy with the wandering eyes,
Hardworking as ever,
Making your name in your small town.
Hard-hearted as ever,
You made your heart my home and locked me out,
My roots tangled to your doorstep,
And through your window I saw your back,
Not caring, not looking.

My Boy with the rarest name,
My Boy with the careless eyes,
When you planted your seed in my home,
Did you know the monstrosity that would grow out of it—
The ruin, the wreckage, the garden gone to ash?
When the edge of you found its way to mine,
Did you know the absence of your warmth afterwards,
Would end up leaving me dying from the cold?

My Love,
Tell me,
Was our tragedy an accident,
Or was it always meant to be like this?

250908 / i love you, i'm sorry – gracie abrams

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He resided in the stork’s village, carried a name like a king, and walked in the shadow of another man’s throne. That’s the boy I wrote about. Funnily, he was the only guy I've ever been in love with, and I only wrote a few poems (<10) for him (I wrote hundreds for a guy I had a crush on for 8 years). And this is the last one for him. Maybe.

You were a dick but I was too. Less of a dick than you, though.
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chaos diary: molten chocolate lava cake situation

8.12.2025

Featuring Bernadya's Kini Mereka Tahu because I'm listening to this song as I write this post.


I have a sweet tooth. I love cakes and pastries and almost anything sweet, except for sweets themselves (ironically). So back when I went out with my friends for lunch at Pizza Hut in 2018, after stuffing ourselves with so much food, because I loved cakes so much, I still ordered this Molten Chocolate Lava Cake (I think it was just out back then?) even when I was already so full. But I wanted that cake! I stressed it out so much to my friends when they said, "Afifah, you're so full already, ice cream is coming, maybe it's a bad idea". I did not listen, because I wanted it so much. And yes, they ended up being right, and although I did finish the cake, I didn't get to enjoy it as I would usually do. And my friends have been referring to this event as the "SAYA MAU JUGA" event until this very day because I was that comically annoying when I want something I shouldn't have.

The point here is, I'm the type of person who won't listen to anyone once I want something. Even if I know other people are right, even if I know the thing that I want will be bad for me.  

And I've been having another kind of Molten Chocolate Lava Cake situation for a while now... That I don't know how want to let go. I'm not the type of person to leave cakes unfinished just because they're bad, because I value the ingredients and work that went into making the cake. But this cake, unlike other cakes I've had before, triggered a lot of allergy reactions, weirdly, because I do not have any allergies. But you see... this lava cake is my first real out-of-actual-bakery cake, and I spent almost all of my savings on it, so it would be a shame to throw it away. And because I have been eating it for a while, it feels so natural in my mouth, and the allergy reactions, despite getting worse and worse every day because they go untreated, now only feel like that itch on your foot you can't scratch. 

Now here comes the part where I conclude this post and share how I overcome this... but I can't because it's an ongoing situation. Advice is welcome, and please send prayers because I feel like my allergic reactions are killing me slowly.
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page 50 of growing oddities | tldr: i want to grow old with you

7.27.2025


I want to play with your hair,
And hold your head close to my chest,
And bear the weight of the world for you.

I want to learn your favourite movie,
And watch you cry while watching it,
And bear a child that looks just like you.

I want to eat the food that you cook,
And learn the recipe for your favourite foods,
And bear the scars that the wound the universe left on you.

I want to see you breathe as you sleep at night,
And ask about your dreams when you wake up,
And bear the pain of loving you way too much.

I want to see you under the morning light,
And be the one sitting next to you under the afternoon glow,
And bear whatever it is that you would spill and overspill to me.

I want to write you poems,
And watch as you laugh and ask what you think of them,
Do you want to build a home with me?

230310 / kita usahakan rumah itu – sal priadi

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Needless to say, I'm a hopeless romantic. This poem was not inspired by the song mentioned, but the last verse was; the conclusion to what I wanted to say to the guy behind this poem. I was in love out of my mind with this one guy a bajillion days ago and thought "Oh, he has shiny eyes, he would have really cute children", but then also thought "Yeah, and he would most likely not have any with you". The second verse was, in fact, the first one written. This poem is sweet. The reason it was written was bitter, just like most of what I've written. I have another poem titled her and her and her that's like a brutal version of this poem (similar message, harshly worded), I don't think that piece will see the light of day LOL.
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2025 log #2: mid-year freakout, rewatching my favourites and relearning self-love

7.25.2025


I guess we've established that I'll be doing a quarterly life update instead of monthly. Your girl has the attention span of a 5-year-old, emotional burst-outs like a 16-year-old and spends her time like she's a massive workaholic (wake up, work work work, go home, sleep)—she's not a workaholic. I love writing here because it summarises everything that has been happening to me, and is also at my fingertips. Journaling is one thing, I do that too, but sometimes it's too much, and I usually just do a brain (emotional—more like a trauma) dump instead of summarising my life. It's important TO ME that I document my life because of my Dory brain and my need of nostalgizing life every now and then. So here's what you missed on gLeE mE...

Mid-year freakout

Surprisingly, I still work at my first job, whereas ALL of my friends have left one by one. I freak out over this at least once a week, and it has been taking a toll on me for a while. I've cry-called my mother more times than I want to admit, embarrassingly. I watch my friends moving on with their lives and growing, and I don't feel like I'm growing in the same trajectory as them. My growth feels... rather... slow. And my life also feels slow. So I am having a mid-year crisis, let's see if I'll get over it by the next quarter.

Rewatching my favourite movies/TV series

I don't remember if I've ever written about this, but I love rewatching stuff (which is why I'm on an eternal Friends rewatch—sucks that it's not on Netflix or Disney anymore). It's easy to digest the things you've seen, you get to relive your favourite scenes again and again, and sometimes you get to have a perspective you didn't have the first time around. It's comforting, you don't tend to do a watch marathon (which is great but takes a toll on your sleep and eyes). These days, I'm rewatching Modern Family, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine and sometimes, How I Met Your Mother. And during my long holiday in June, I was on a full-on Marvel marathon, which re-established my love for Guardians of the Galaxy, Loki (the character) and Tony Stark.

Relearning to love myself

Sometimes when a big change happens in your life, this whole version of you shatters into small pieces, beyond repair. The harsh truth is that you will never get this version back. You will need to rebuild everything that was shattered from scratch, and it will not look quite the same as the one before. This new version of you might be hard to love when you spent years and years to like even that good-enough past self, but with time, you'll see what to love in this new version and accept it somehow. And that's kinda the process I'm currently in, and it's super hard.

Pieces I've been loving lately...


I need to read and consume quality content more, but these days I just can't. Not even my favourite books. Not even my favourite content creators, not even my favourite musicians and writers. My days have turned into this blurry, grey ball of nothings; my tomorrows just echo from my yesterdays. Everything feels stagnant, to be honest; my feet deep in dirt, heart too scared to jump out, not knowing where I might end up... This post is kind of my "TAKE A BREATH" moment.
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page 59 of growing oddities | with love, yours

7.07.2025

Chased sunset for iftar.


I long to see you at the end of every day.
Life’s tough and people are rough,
Yesterday draining, tomorrow reckoning,
Today, still spinning,
But you sit at the end of my day,
Gentle and sweet,
The catalyst of my healing,
A soft place to land when I free fall.

I long to see you at the end of every day.
Home, just not quite yet,
But warm, just the same.
My buzzing mind, ever trembling, never quiet,
Your quiet noise, ever lingering, never fading.
Intentional silence and comfortable chatter,
Over coffee or cakes or ice cream.

I long to see you at the end of every day,
And I wish I always will,
I wish that what you are to me is what I am to you,
And if we’re damned to wither,
I wish that this is how you’ll remember me;
A person you look forward to seeing every day,
To be missed and reminisced.


250625 / don’t forget you love me – calum hood

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Saw this Calum Hood's interview on TikTok, and there was this one comment that interprets "don't forget you love me" that Calum's ex said to him as a reminder to never demonise their relationship and antagonise the ex-lover by remembering that he love/loved them. And so that gave a kind of clarity to me... which inspired this poem.
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Not Here to Stay by N.F. Afrina | Book Review

5.02.2025



BLURB: Sarah Amani is a Worldsmith. At eighteen, she accidentally conjured a mythical world she called Lagenda from her mind with the help of a past lover, Malik. 

Five years had passed and she was on a straight path to healing and moving on. She made sure nobody could enter Lagenda again and only allowed people to come in as wanderers by giving them petals as tickets. It was her way of ensuring that Lagenda remained hers without destroying it. Just when she thought she could leave her past, she was invited back into the world with a note saying "You know what to do. -M".

She had to go back to Lagenda to make sure the person who sent her the note could not take the world from her. What Amani found is that Lagenda was not as abandoned as she thought it was. Determined to save her world from being exploited and smeared more than how it already is, she sets to burn every door and relic holding the world together. If she cannot keep Lagenda, nobody should. But it seemed that the person who sent her the note had other plans. 

Together with her trusty dagger, Misya, her sister, a stubborn historian called Najmi and all the misfits she never dreamed of collaborating with, she would find herself propelling straight to her dark past and beloved world.
Erasers are nice and pretty. But in life, sometimes you have to take a pen and write over the things you want to fix. Just cross out the things you don't like and write a new string of words. There is no time to erase, not enough erasers in the world. No time for perfection in moving on, just action.

Title: Not Here To Stay
Author: N.F. Afrina
Genre: Young Adult, Magical Realism, Fiction
Goodreads rating: 3.87
Pages: 585
Publication: February 22nd 2022 by Whitecoat Group Sdn. Bhd
Source: Popular Bookstore
Book links: Iman Shoppe Bookstore | Shopee 
Reading format: Paperback
Review type: Non-spoilery
review
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐


I wrote a review right after I finished reading this book on Goodreads at 12.00AM, but it was not well thought out, so here I am rewriting a review for this book because this book was very meaningful for me to not be mentioned in my blog.

This book was a deeply emotional book that centres around the topics of healing, finding your way back to yourself and God, what closure really looks like, forgiveness and letting go. Interestingly, this book is also a magical realism, set in a world with people with knacks, and some even have the ability to create a whole other magical world. And for this book specifically, we have the main character, Amani, who created a world called Lagenda.

First and foremost, despite being a magical realism, this book is a fictional self-help book at its core. With so many touching lines about healing and the way some important topics, such as abuse, relationships and forgiveness with one's self were beautifully written, it was proven that N.F. Afrina has a way with words. There was so much power imbued in the way those important topics were written, but they are also written in metaphors and pretty lines, which enables the book to touch the souls of us readers, but also delicate enough to not break those who can relate to the main character's experiences. For me personally, these topics were well done and are the highlights of this book.

The beauty of this book was also its curse; it was not the plethora of metaphors that became a problem, but the disorganised way they were laid out. It's one thing to have niche writing, and it's one thing to have a disorganised one, to the point that the readers have problems in recognising where we were in the story, and understanding the world and its magic system. Personally, I think it's fine that the author spent so much time inserting metaphors here and there. I agree that those will beautify the book, but at the same time, the world-building felt a little bit abandoned. Whilst the magical part of this book blended so well with the real world, which is applaudable, the details on that magical part was not exactly well-written, which sucks for us fantasy lovers.

Other than that... despite this story being character-driven, the main character herself was not so lovable, not in the I-hate-her-so-much way but I-don't-know-her-well-to-love-her way, as everything was written more in 'told' way than 'shown'. Like, I loved Amani's journey towards healing, but not Amani herself, and it was a bit disappointing that we didn't get to learn more about side characters such as Misya, Najmi and the others. This book was written in Amani's POV with other characters' POVs here and there, but those other characters' POV were written in a very rushed way that made them feel very two-dimensional with no lovable or interesting qualities.

With that being said, if this is the first book out of a series, it is a promising one. Especially after reading the short story at the end, I definitely would buy the sequel. Additionally, having read the A/N saying this book was written when she was 18 explains the way this book was written. I am never going to say poorly written because I could never write a book with emotional depth like this book when I was 18. And this book was already this good without proofreading, are you kidding me? You can definitely see the author's growth in the short story, which is why I am so rooting for her and this world.

Recommended for people who love: magical realism, self-love, empowered women, religious stories
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page 49 of growing oddities

4.28.2025

Generated by ChatGPT.



If there’s
A blue-coloured chocolate cheesecake
I would still give it to you.
I guess that’s the effect
Of my lingering affection for you.
Yesterday’s afternoon
I felt my feelings
Being ripped apart from me
After a few months
Of slow de-plastering,
And although I’m more myself now
Compared to 122 days ago,
I’m somehow still in a shade of blue,
In the hue of you.
I wouldn’t know what to do with myself
97 days from now.
I guess I should send you
A blue-coloured chocolate cheesecake
And hope that you would like it.


230321/ if this was a movie - taylor swift

---

Though I don't relate to this anymore, I personally think that this is one of the sweetest pieces I've ever written to a person. I haven't feel what I felt when I was writing this piece in a while, and though I don't miss the agony, I sure miss how pure and genuine my feelings were. It's someone else's birthday now and he likes blue too and I was reminded of this piece.
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2025 log #1: birthmonth, i think i might love jang ki-yong

4.19.2025

I am shamelessly writing my January update post in April, and I have no single care about how late it has been (78 days since 31st January, I googled). I even thought of just making a Quarter 1 of 2025 update, but that would be a long post despite my disappointingly uneventful life. 

Hi, welcome back. I don't know if this will end up being posted; you have no idea how many posts I've been continuously drafting for the past few months. I have been eager to write; writing is in my blood, and it's the only tool that lets me get as much junk out of my mind, but most of the time, I'm busy (surprise) or just not in the mood (shocking). Without further ado, let me get started with my update... before I lose my writing mind zone.

I turned 24!

I haven't cried on my birthdays since 2022 but I broke my streak this year and cried a whole week. This picture was taken on my birthday dinner when I was trying not to cry.
To all of you who have been here since 2014 (though it's very unlikely that anyone from that time is still here), that 13-year-old girl is no longer. She's now 24, living in a whole other city, has a job and is living, albeit unthrivingly. The celebration was... disappointing when you compare it to the previous years, but hey, I'm an adult now, and you can't always have what you want, right? Anywho, grateful! For another year, for my healthy parents and siblings, for my never-ending rizq, Alhamdulillaah. I try to find my tiny bit of happiness these days to survive, and so far, I'm surviving.

I fell in love... with Jang Ki-Yong

It has been a while since I've watched The Atypical Family, but I still clearly remember how much I loved it. I loved the storyline, the growth of each character, how the main character slowly found her way to the family's heart, and how both families in the story slowly grew on each other. Stories about family have always been my cup of tea. However, my favourite thing about this show was Bok Gwi-Ju's (Jang Ki-Yong's character) growth and healing progress, and how that affected his relationship with his daughter. I have always loved characters who are fathers who grow better for their children. In addition to that, Jang Ki-Yong was oozing with handsomeness. What a win it was to watch this show.

I finished a book, and it made me cry and have an existential crisis

Shockingly, I only read three books last year. I, someone who has the ability to read up to 20 books per month. So in January, I vowed to finish reading at least one book, and I did! The said book was The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. The book tells a story about a woman who committed suicide, and before she dies for good, her soul goes to a library that lets her live all the lives that could've been, if only she had made different choices in her life. It was very eye-opening, soul-touching, the kind of story that makes you think and paired with Haig's simple yet profound writing, the book left a lasting emotional impact even until this day.

A teeny-tiny-bit-personal update

I had a friendship breakup in January. And if you ever had a breakup, you know it doesn't happen all at once, all of a sudden. The process is gradual, and you sense the changes over time, and in my case, I kind of ignored it when they first happened because I didn't see any reason for the friendship to crack to the point that it got. The massive heartbreak didn't happen until February, but the resentment had been building up for months. Most parts of it were my fault, but I could also feel that our friendship had run its course. I still miss them every single day, but I don't even feel like starting over again for some reason... It's a "I screwed up but what if I screw up again?" thing.

And with that, I end my writing here for now. Let's hope I find the energy and mindspace to write log #2 and log #3. My actual theme for January was hopelessness, as I was in such a deep despair over some stupid shit but we are all about staying hopeful so to end this post, here's a quote from The Midnight Library that I loved: 
We only need to be one person.
We only need to feel one existence.
We don't have to do everything in order to be everything, because we are already infinite. While we are alive we always contain a future of multifarious possibility.

P.S. If you have been my reader for some time, I know you can sense the hopelessness of this post, and I'm sorry for that. It's April and I am still a bit in despair. I wanted to write, even if it's only about on-the-surface things. I just... need to find my way to the things I love because I haven't been feeling like myself lately.

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new year, more or less the same me

2.01.2025

Peak of Borneo, August 2024.
Obviously, a LOT has changed over a year. Made new friends, lost some friends, felt feelings I've never felt before, got to know sides of me I didn't really realize were there before, got fooled and know better, and made tons of mistakes. At some point this year, I felt like I grew backwards instead of forward, and I don't think that's good. Some mistakes are necessary to make in your life, to mould you into the person that you are meant to be... but I just think some mistakes are way too big. With that being said, life has been great, God has been treating me so well for the past year but I kind of feel... stuck, hence the title of this post. 

Happy New Year everyone, and with the Chinese New Year vibe still around us, Happy Chinese New Year to everyone who is celebrating. Wishing us all health, wealth and all kinds of wellness for this year. To everyone who is beginning a new journey, whether it's health-related (yes let's lose all that weight!), spiritual-related (especially to my Muslim brothers and sisters), or just totally random things, I wish us all the best. May we achieve everything that we want this year.

When you feel stuck, it's easy to feel like your growth is hindered, every day feels the same, and all the same faces you meet every day start to feel... boring. Or maybe it's just me. Especially when you're living in the middle of nowhere, it's easy to feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I love my small-town life. I love that no matter which junction you turn into this town, you'll never get lost. I love that the 99 Speedmart cashiers in my housing area know and recognize me. And dang it, even the district hospital nurses are starting to recognize me. But if I learned one thing from living in my hometown (which was also a small town) throughout my childhood, it's that when everyone in the town knows you or at least anyone who knows you, it tends to suffocate you. 

I wish to feel excited again this year. Instead of anxiety over what is coming, I wish to feel excited instead. I wish to feel like I'm growing forward instead of backwards. I pray that God etches the courage I need onto my soul to end things that I should and begin a new journey.

Happy New Year again, everyone. Cheers!
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